In the UK - PT 19 Unforseen Circumstances of MLC

[NDY]

Hi Huddy, I think the best way to look at this is - she's living her life and I'm living mine. We are not currently together and she will make whatever decisions she deems best for herself and I will do the same. Her life is not my life and my life is not her life. We are both free to come and go and do as we please. From a compassion perspective, she must have been feeling pretty horrid about her tummy to undergo such an invasive procedure.

If this (detached) perspective is yours, the only time you become interested is if her actions impact adversely on the kids or on finances for example. In these instances, there is an impact upon you or a boundary has been crossed (ie: if you are in hospital, I need to know and will look after the kids.) Otherwise, leave her be, other than passing the time of day and briefly asking how she is doing.

This week's circumstances have been challenging for sure and the more you can adopt the above mindset the better IMHO. I do think you still see yourself 'in relation to' her and her 'in relation to' you. Others have posted in this vein too, and when these comments are made, I think you go into defence mode a little and say - but I do this and I do that etc.

But I think detachment is more about how you come to feel about what happens, and your posts do have a vein of attachment running through them. I understand that you hope to restore your marriage, but will you truly be fine either way? If your W never decides to return to the marital table, will your life be okay regardless?

I don't think any of this means giving up on your marriage. I think it just means releasing yourself from being in the sidecar of a poorly driven bike. You can still keep your door open a crack and if something significant changes, you can look at how you feel then. But until or unless, I would truly try and live your life as though she is never coming back and her actions no longer really impact on your emotional state.

All JMHO of course and I hope there might be something in there of help to you. Xx

+1

Huddy, read this, then read it again. Then once you've read it again read it yet again. Sotto is right on the money here.