Deadline for Decision 8/15

[RosaLinda]

Yesterday for the umpteenth time he asked me “how can I ever forgive you for calling the police? For putting my life at risk… by possibly getting me put in a mental institution or shot dead” (I called them because he separated me from my children, kicked me out, was mildly physically abusive for the first and only time by breaking a door, throwing water at me, throwing me computer across the room to me and a light swat to the head) His sister has hated him for much of her life and calls him a sociopath. He’s been fired, social services came because someone reported him cursing the children in the background and heard someone say “ow”. I wasn’t home. He’s been arrested a few times.

Hey Chippie, hi, nice to meet you. I am not a veteran at all, just old , but think maybe your husband might be going thru a midlife crisis or as Job suggested, might have a narcissistic personality disorder. The two share a lot of traits, like being critical, self-absorbed liars, but I know of two husbands with true full-blown NPD (ex-husbands at this point) of women I've met on this forum, and they are both cruel, negative, scary dudes who lack a conscience and think the world revolves around them, and who like to give the appearance of being wonderful fathers and men, who had been abused and deserted by the wives they actually emotionally and physically abused for so long.

Please please be careful.

What I’m wondering is how to handle myself when he is really baiting me and engaging with me.

Yesterday he wanted to talk about the relationship and I listened and used the stock phrases provided here “I can see how you might feel that way” “let me think about that”… but the blaming and shaming is relentless and he has to draw upon the same incident over and over again – that I called the police. He’s obsessive compulsive so I hear this over and over again “How will you fix this? I don’t think you can”

I can focus on myself but I don’t know what to do when he’s dumping on me and this happens a lot.

Those phrases are great for validating his statements. I also told my own ex "I'm sorry you feel like that" a lot; it deflected a lot of his nastiness. And after a couple of years (I'm a slow learner LOL) finally started walking away when I'd had enough of him. You can try that when he is dumping on you. Tell him something like "I'm sorry you feel like that but I am not going to stand here and listen to you blame and shame me" and leave the room. Do NOT leave the house.

And on a positive note, it will be great to spend more time doing art instead of obsessing about him and essentially blaming him for my not doing art. It’s a great practice opportunity for my next relationship or our relationship if things turn around.

Anything that will keep you from obsessing about him and having fun is a great GAL (get a life) activity. Go do some art!

Also, in addition to Job's advice about sticking to one thread, you might want to make your own thread a "watched topic." That way, you will get an email when someone posts on it. In the top heading, click on "topic options" then "add topic to your watched topics."

Hang in there!