Zeus and Job, my assessment is that he lies between what you’re each saying. I’m not in fear of physical danger – the one time that happened I really taunted him and that is not at all typical of me. He’s sensitive and quick to anger and snaps at the kids, yells too and is also extremely dedicated and engaged with them. He spends a lot of time with them. Job, There has been a consistent ebb and flow of irritation, static, snapping at me, double standards, over-reaction to my part in our issues… combined with wonderful adventures, film festivals, travel around the world, meeting interesting successful people, many nights cuddling as a family of four watching movies together… today we are going biking, tomorrow, tubing… Yesterday for the umpteenth time he asked me “how can I ever forgive you for calling the police? For putting my life at risk… by possibly getting me put in a mental institution or shot dead” (I called them because he separated me from my children, kicked me out, was mildly physically abusive for the first and only time by breaking a door, throwing water at me, throwing me computer across the room to me and a light swat to the head) His sister has hated him for much of her life and calls him a sociopath. He’s been fired, social services came because someone reported him cursing the children in the background and heard someone say “ow”. I wasn’t home. He’s been arrested a few times. I enjoy so much of our lives together but I’ve lost respect for him for treating me this way and I’ve lost respect for myself for staying, living in fear of not doing so well on my own. He was sexually abused as a child and is a sober alcoholic. I go to Alanon so I understand all about keeping the focus on myself and yet OLD HABITS DIE HARD! I have a part in all of this as well. I’m sometimes passive aggressiveness, I’m insecure, I have ADD so I’m impulsive and forgetful and put my foot in my mouth a lot. This a wonderful the way my post is divided between focusing on him and focusing on myself. What I’m wondering is how to handle myself when he is really baiting me and engaging with me. Yesterday he wanted to talk about the relationship and I listened and used the stock phrases provided here “I can see how you might feel that way” “let me think about that”… but the blaming and shaming is relentless and he has to draw upon the same incident over and over again – that I called the police. He’s obsessive compulsive so I hear this over and over again “How will you fix this? I don’t think you can” I can focus on myself but I don’t know what to do when he’s dumping on me and this happens a lot. He doesn’t want to go to couples therapy and says that we can discuss things on our own. I told him we don’t have the skills to do that. When I’m calm and rational in response to his accusations he is better than when I flip out of course but he still alters reality to fit his fears and his supposition. He’ll say I’m wrong. I say “I see things differently” I have a different take on things. And on a positive note, it will be great to spend more time doing art instead of obsessing about him and essentially blaming him for my not doing art. It’s a great practice opportunity for my next relationship or our relationship if things turn around. OK we are celebrating a delayed fathers day … finished a wonderful bike ride and we’re going to finish a movie from the other day and then go to a drive-in with the kids. A very nice day. Oh and earlier he glued my bed back together which took him a very long time and was unpleasant work. Very different days from one day to the next. I’m off to join them now… more soon.
