Awkward situation

[doodler]

Tate,

Look at the family trip as a wonderful DB opportunity. Every time you're near your BIL you should walk over to him and pat his ass and blow him a kiss, and maybe give him a little wink as well. In fact, I'll send you a couple hundred bucks if you promise to do that while wearing a pink bikini.

That may not be DB, but it'll probably take his mind off of your wife for a little while.

[lfm]

Wow doodler, that would definitely fall under the subject of this thread "Awkward situation" and would most definitely take the BIL off of Tate's wife at least for a few minutes...

Tate - good luck with the family trip. It's not easy putting on a face for all of the other family members that have no clue as to what is going on and yours is way worse than mine. No one has any clue about who the OM is.

[lfm]

Should clarify, no one knows who the OM is in my sitch.

[Tate]

Thanks, lfm. I went to a joint 40th birthday party put on by my sister last month and played it off as if I was having the best night of my life. My wife was sweating bullets, afraid I was going to confront my BIL in front of both our families.

This trip is a more intimate setting, and Im not sure if I can pull it off. This is what really [censored] about this whole thing...my wifes affairs have made it akward and painful for me at family events when she should be the miserable one.

[sandi2]

The more you attend family events that include the affair partners, the more your WW will believe you are accepting the fact her affair will continue. How much time has already lapsed since discovering their affair? How many times have you been around BIL? And now, the family is going together on a trip.

Here is what I think you will do. You will do nothing. You will hurt and keep hoping your W will eventually end an affair that has been going on for years, and you will hope against hope she won't leave you. In the meantime, you will try to look the other way.

It is your life, Tate, and it is your choice to live in a lie. If your W had any sense of decency and/or respect for your parents (we already know she has none for you), she would excuse herself from joining the family vacation. However, she sees it as an opportunity to be around the BIL, and her selfishness will over-ride her sense of doing the right thing.

[Tate]

I agree, but the dilemma I have is that my kids Will no longer be welcomed to see their cousins whom there basically grown up with.

From the same token, my wife refuses to give me access to our phone provider stating that I invaded her privacy and she will not allow me to do that with the phone.

She says the PA is over with the other guy but she is still friends with him on facebook as well. I think it's definitely ok to insist she unfriend that d bag. How do I persuade her to remove these guys from her life?

[Coconut]

Tate, unfortunately you can't make her do anything. You can only decide what you will do if she doesn't (boundaries).

You can tell her you won't be in an open marriage, and ANY contact with any OM is considered open M by you, and if there is contact you will do X. It's not easy, you have to decide what you will or won't accept in your life, and enforce those boundaries to protect yourself.

As for the phone company, just call them and find out how to get access, don't let her dictate wether or not you have access to your accounts. But, u know she's in an A, so I don't know what you hope to gain by accessing them.

[Surfer]

Tate. My WW had an EA. I accessed some texts etc and met the OM. I honestly got very little benefit out of it. Even though I thought the OM was a looser. I would personally advise staying clear. You have to think about this and it is your choice but how can you use the information you find. She will only twist whatever you say and use it against you. If not you will only feel more pain. I would advise distancing yourself so you feel as near to zero pain as possible from any thoughts of her and the OM and her generally. Respect and love her still but to be immune from any perceived power or control you have previously given her is, I am sure, the answer. Work on your own independence and happiness my friend. You can't loose with that. I wish you well. Surfer.

[sandi2]

I agree, but the dilemma I have is that my kids Will no longer be welcomed to see their cousins whom there basically grown up with.

Why? Are you saying your sister would ban her brother's children from seeing her kids? Why would she punish your children?

Are you saying that you would cover the A, and continue to live a lie........so the kids can play together?

She says the PA is over with the other guy but she is still friends with him on facebook as well. I think it's definitely ok to insist she unfriend that d bag. How do I persuade her to remove these guys from her life?

Do you know how many affairs your W has had since you've been together?

I want to get off of this for just a little bit and ask you about your parents. What are they like as a couple? Who would you say is in charge of their relationship, and which one leads?

How close are you and your dad?

I hope you will answer these questions.

[Tate]

The 2 affairs are the only ones.

My parents have a good relationship. They do bicker a bit, but the y joke with each other, travel together, relax together on the couch, and yes, they have sex regularly. They generally make decisions together, with my dad handling projects and bills, my mom handling household. I am close to my dad as well as my mom.

My wifes parents are the distant ones...they cohabitate, with her dad always eccentrically blabbing about religion and politics, and her mom playing the role of caretaker, grandmother, chores, and projects. Im pretty sure they have not been sexually active in decades. My wife has developed the same take charge mentality as her mom, always setting the kids schedules without even talking to me about it. Shes a teacher, so she would plan trips out of town and leave before I even got out of work, or traveling in the summer mid week when I cannot take off from work.