I do understand where you are coming from and yes, we all have spurts of anger, let loose, get over it and move on. However, my concern is that from what Chippie has described, he could very well be exhibiting some narcissistic behaviors. When people are dealing with a crisis some low level personality disorders can possibly come out. In this case, Chippie even suspects he may be narcissistic...again, it's not been established because he's not seen a professional and most likely doesn't think that there is anything going on w/him. In fact, he doesn't see anything wrong w/being a "controller". This is one of the reasons that I asked about his childhood, etc. I wanted to know if this type of behavior took place in his childhood home, etc. and if it's been ongoing and just got worse over time.
Based on the description of the other things that Chippie's husband has done and continues to do could be considered emotional/mental abuse. The way he keeps the naughty/nice listing and then withholding things from her can fit into the emotional/mental abuse category. She's walking on eggshells around him because she's afraid of the way he's going to react, etc. This is not normal behavior, nor should anyone have to live/walk on eggshells a large majority of the time for fear that you aren't living up to your spouse's expectations and than he/she punishes you for not doing so.
If a person is a true blue narcissistic, and I do mean if, that person could be very vindictive and use any method to punish his "victim" if the "victim" should go against their expectations and/or leave. This is stated over and over again in literature on this type of personality. Again, I want to emphasize, her husband may be demonstrating certain traits of the NPD, if he's in crisis and they may go away once the crisis is over, but that doesn't excuse his behavior nor should she be his punching bag.
I would like to see Chippie get into a support group and/or see an IC to help her better understand how this destructive cycle is affecting her and her children. Also, she may be able to pick up some useful tips on how to better interact w/this man.
I also would like to see what Vanilla has to say about the situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
