Hi Rose, I am happy that you and your husband are working on your marriage and that things are better, including your sex life. I could be wrong but I get the impression that you feel that if you cannot maintain a certain level of sexual arousal your marriage is at risk? What does your counselor say about this? My husband often had trouble performing, and while dissapointed, it was never a thought that I would leave or make threats to the marriage. To do so would be humiliating to my husband or to any person. It almost becomes like a test and to live with that type of pressure is very stressful.
To me, marriage is commitment and faithfulness. No ultimatums, no tests.
Zues, I like how you categorized nice things, important things, and necessary things... So many marital problems could be avoided if we just communicated this directly and simply in the beginning of our relationships and reviewed in a kind and open way throughout the relationship. Put it all in writing so no misunderstandings. (Maybe you should get a second job as a marriage counselor )
Most people do not set out to INTENTIONALY neglect their partner's needs. Whether it be communication or sex. When they do, I think it is a form of control and some type of power struggle, which can be just as bad as physical abuse no? I know I am contradicting myself because with physical abuse you leave a marriage but do you do so if partner rejects sex or communication for control? (I didn't. And in past year before BD my husband was intentionally rejecting opportunitities for sex ) Are they even doing this consciously? In a way, that type of control is even worse then physical abuse because of the mind F... No pun intended.
I agree that sex should never be an exchange because that is a form of control. ("Only way we have sex is if there is romantic dinner involved" or "I will only stay married if we have sex"). It should be an act performed to make each other happy plus all the other benefits that come with it .
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