Deadline for Decision 8/15

[Zues126]

Job, I defer to your position, experience, and wisdom. Maybe I can learn from you.

Your last post speaks as though it's been established that her husband is narcissistic and abusive. There are certainly narcissists out there. And abuse is unfortunately more common than I wish it were. But what she posted was that he was "quick to anger" and during an incident in which things got out of control he "broke a door".

I broke a door a year ago. My son did something way out of line, he defiantly slammed the door and locked it, I demanded he opened it, he didn't, I threw my shoulder against it and burst it open. If you followed me through my 10 year marriage I probably have 3 incidents like this. Yet my home with my children is peaceful, they feel safe and loved, and if tensions do rise they die down just as quickly and they are not a big deal. I'm not afraid of living in a world where things get tense on occasion.

But XW did what so many do. She labelled me as angry and abusive, diagnosed me with several personality disorders, and looked at my parents and my childhood and knowingly put together how someone as problematic as me could have come around.

There's only one problem. She's a single mother and has lost a great man and the only shot at a lifelong partnership with the father of her children she'll have.

Job, I'm not defending this man. I don't know him, or what he's done. I understand that not all abuse has to be physical. But I didn't get the impression here that her situation was abusive. It seemed to me that they had a really destructive cycle going on. I absolutely agree she shouldn't be in a destructive cycle. But in my mind the entire point of DB was breaking the cycle by changing your own behavior. I always kneejerk when people go down the road of focusing on the spouse's behavior and diagnosing them as the problem spouse. Doesn't mean there aren't destructive situations that trump saving the marriage. I guess I just didn't see the signs of it that would lead you to agree that he's a dangerous narcissist looking for his victim.

I'll close my mouth and listen to others. I want Chippie safe and don't want to cause harm by rugsweeping. I really am interested in hearing more. Thank you.