Deadline for Decision 8/15

[job]

Chippie,
Since you are very new to the forum, I thought I would let you know that you can't enable the private messages. The system has never been activated. Also, stick to one thread at a time in each forum until you receive 100 postings/replies. Cadet may come along later and merge the two threads you have here. The reason for sticking to one thread at a time, it allows the readers to follow your situation and provide advice and when you have more than one thread going, posters do not know which one to post to. Also, one thread at a time is good for you so that you can go back and re-read the advice versus trying to find all of the threads, etc.

So, let's begin...your h has a quick trigger for anger. Can you tell us a bit about his parents and childhood? Has he ever had an issue w/alcohol or drugs? Is he an only child?

I can see why you are walking on eggshells around him. The anger is enough to put you on edge all of the time. He sounds like he's abusive and the only way he thinks that he can keep you in line is to exhibit the anger. If you were to express your opinions/decisions in a civil tone at the time of the incident, how would he react? Does he get angry or does he actually listen to you? Does he say you don't know what you are talking about or does he think you've got some good ideas? How does he interact w/the children? Does he treat them the same way that he does you?

This behavior isn't helping your self esteem one bit. Have you considered seeing an IC about it or talking to someone, i.e., a friend, co-worker, a family member? You are a people pleaser and a fixer and you don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone. You are a human being who deserves to be recognized for her contributions in this world and you have two beautiful children that are witnessing how their father treats their mother. The changes I see that need to be made is that you need to find a way to become stronger, more confident and self-reliant. You need to believe in yourself and know that whether he stays or goes, you are going to be just fine.

Of course, he responds favorably to nice things being done for him. He's expecting you to jump thru hoops for him and when something isn't done the way he thinks it should be or at the snap of his fingers, he marks it on his list of your faults. You need to own only 50% of the breakdown of your marriage and work on this things that need to be repaired. You can't fix him because he doesn't think that there is anything wrong w/him. If he does have the NPD, there's no fixing him and he will continue to make his checklist and punish you each and every time you don't measure up to his expectations.

You need to put some distance between you and try to get stronger and healthier and come to realize that you are the prize and you a wonderful person who does not need to be abused by his anger and his high expectations. Just leave him alone. If he contacts you, be civil, but I will warn you. He will use any method possible to get you back into his game. If he's nice, you can be nice too...but keep those expectations at zero at all times. If he's nasty, just tell him that you are sorry he feels that way and hang up the phone or walk away or find something else to do. You do not need to be his punching bag.

I'm very worried about you. Please be careful. NP's can be dangerous if they think they are losing their victims and they will do whatever it takes to get them back into web until they can locate a new victim.