How to rekindle love?

[Zues126]

I've posted a lot on this issue and have at times lead threads to be hijacked in multipaged discussions or debates. Fortunately we are on DB forums where even when emotions run high, respect for other forum members runs high as well.

I will try to be brief but want to share an alternative point of view. This isn't to say it's "right". But it may help you to understand how your H looks at the situation.

Look at a spectrum that runs from 'icing on the cake' to 'the cake itself'. From things that are nice, things that are important, and things that are necessary.

Nice things might be things like reading the same books, watching the same movies, a shared hobby. It's great when they line up, but no big deal.

Important things might be things like planning for retirement, parenting the kids well, or sharing a religion if both are strong of faith.

Necessary things might include having a roof over your head, having food to eat, and feeling physically safe with each other.

I think a lot of the misunderstanding about sex is whether it is a nice thing, and important thing, or a necessary thing. Oftentimes one spouse things it's a nice/important thing, while the other feels it is necessary. Right or wrong, this is often the viewpoint.

If H hears "if you make me feel desirable then..." it might be hard for him because to him this is a non-conditional requirement. He might feel sexual neglect as harmful as physical abuse. Can you imagine how shocking it would be to hear "if you treat me better you'll find I don't hit you" would be?

Please forum, don't think I'm equating sexual neglect and physical abuse. It obviously isn't, and I'm not saying she's wrong and H is right. I am strictly trying to help her understand how they can look at the same situation and see different things, and why H might have a hard time with conditional concessions.