Deadline for Decision 8/15

[Zues126]

Sorry you're here. This is about as hard as life gets. We have a great community and I'm confident you'll meet some good friends and people that can support and guide you through.

More comments below, but I'll quote your post and highlight what stood out. I put words in which you negatively discuss WAH's behavior in red, words in which you talk about behavior that lead to this in blue.

Hello, I'm new to this and not always sure how to tell when or if I'm in the right place or how to see my messages or how to enable private messages.

So I've been married for 13 years, together for 16. My husband has always been quick to anger and I hold in my response until I react inappropriately but for the most part walk on egg shells fairly often. We have two children in middle school.

He's high critical, always has been. Then last fall he decided his true self was polyamorous though he said he hadn't acted on it. I know he tried to hook up with a gal at least once but was turned down.

Additionally he takes testosterone due to low levels, has pituitary issues and was taking antidepressants. So I wondered in the poly stuff was related to hormonal or medication--- I said I can't do the polyamory thing. He was pissed at my "possessiveness" and "tearing apart the family" over it. Then one night we fought so much that it got out of control, he broke a door and kicked me out, I called the police and they asked him to leave.

I wanted to be with my kids. At this point one would say "Why would you two want to stay together" I don't know - we have lots of wonderful experiences and adventures and have much in common as well and of course the children... I really don't know... but anyway, now he won't forgive me about the police and refuses to discuss any part he may have in what happened - now he says he's not polyamorous... he became so unpleasant that I found another place to live and then told him he could stay with us until he found another place to live.

Then he somehow turned it around into a power struggle where he's waiting for me to prove to me that he can trust me again - he never says how, only that he doesn't see that how that's possible... and that everyone says he should leave me and not put up with me (he's been arrested, fired, had social services called on him - AND thanked in a top psych best selling author's book, and is successful... and I'm generally a people pleaser, creative and spacey...

I have trouble rising in business though I'm generally quite likable, bubbly and outgoing) all that is to say I'm not the main offender in the relationship - I have my part of course... he's narcissistic I believe... anyway, he moved into the new place and built a fence (like he's staying awhile) and he keeps telling me that I need to change though he knows I won't. And we are now in separate rooms, not intimate, he doesn't wear a ring anymore and he no longer takes me on dates, and did not want to "celebrate" our anniversary a few days ago. He DOES want to do lots of family activities and extend this purgatory I guess. He keeps saying he will make a decision by 8/15. I get very confused about what do I want ... so since he leaves this narrow window of a possibility open I'm not sure if the 180 fully applies though it seems like it does.

He does respond favorably to nice things being done for him and tallies when things aren't nice though he no longer gives me gifts for special events (mothers day, birthday, anniversary) I think he just like holding this power over me and projecting the pain and anger on to me. He's constantly dumping negativity on to me and then telling me he doesn't want to be around my negativity and he's grown and I haven't.

It's gas-lighting. And as I write this I feel embarrassed that I would hope for a whole life made of the golden moments we've had. So I think I need to avoid him as much as possible without making it seem punitive or deliberate. We'll still go to things as a family but maybe when he comes into a room I'll find something to do in another room and not start conversations or try to please him... all the things that tell him he has power over me. What do you all think?

It's clear that in your mind you are a good person, and he has mental problems that is causing the issues. I don't know either of you so I'm not playing judge. But here's the thing. If this is true, then there isn't much you can do. Because you can't change him. If he is possessed by demons there isn't anything you can do to change the situation.

The bigger part that you've played in the breakdown of your marriage, the better your chances are of being able to make changes that could save your marriage.

My XW asked me to leave 2 years ago, filed D, and hasn't looked back. She told herself a story about me that would be just as red. It's too bad she didn't realize that every marriage is horrible during bad times, and there isn't a married person on this planet that couldn't build a case to a jury of friends and family about how wronged they were.

We often ask questions like "what was your role in this" and focus there, or "what would H's story be if her posted on a forum?" (odds are it would be equally weighted the other way! right or wrong...)

There is an old post I wrote for a former poster named Pyrite. I tried to explain to him as best I could how the behavior he was seeing wasn't reflective of who his partner was, and the role he played. It's a long one but please read it and let me know your thoughts.

PS- I don't believe that anyone is ever excused for causing pain. Everyone has their own decisions to make on how they choose to behave. I'm not suggesting you're to blame for him mistreating you. But the theme of DB is finding ways to change the dynamic of the marriage by changing your part of the dance. Keep posting and hang in.

****This is the card game I put together for my old buddy Pyrite:

There were two people, you and your W. Let's pretend there's a game being played. You have 10 cards you can choose from, A low, 10 high. Each time either of you interact with each other you have to decide to play a card symbolizing how you treat each other. A 10 means you choose to be extremely loving, selfless, generous, noble, and operate from your highest spiritual self. A 5 means you're having an average day, you're on auto pilot, you may do some things for your mate but aren't really engaged. A 3 is negative, critical, impatient. Below that is the red zone where it becomes destructive, controlling, and potentially abusive.

In the beginning each of you plays a 10 card. You both feel good about the love you're feeling, and feel good about the love you're getting. Somehow that's hard to maintain with life getting in the way. Eventually you notice the cards she's playing are 5s and 6s. This is frustrating. You came to really like 10s. In fact, when she was playing 10 cards you felt really good. When she plays 5s and 6s you feel dissatisfied. You get frustrated that she won't play the 10s like she used to.

Disappointment leads to frustration. Frustration leads to hurt. Hurt leads to anger. Anger that isn't addressed builds into resentment. Next thing you know, you don't feel loving. You don't feel like playing 10s much either. In fact, you start to resent even having to play 5s and 6s yourself. It's not fair! Why should she get everything she wants and needs and for her to neglect you with a series of 5s? You can't be happy with 5s, and you would be with 10s, so really it's her failure to do her job that is the cause for your unhappiness. You start to play lower and lower cards. Partly because you are so resentful you can't stand the thought of giving her what she wants while you're not getting what you want. Partly to try to "get her attention", or show her that something is wrong. And partly because you just don't have the loving feelings that generate bigger loving numbers.

You NEED big numbers to be happy. She's failing. You must force her to play bigger numbers. There's only one strategy left. Time to play some 2s and A's. Put the hammer down. Make it clear this is unacceptable. Either you give me what I want and deserve or I will make things absolutely unbearable. Verbal abuse. Withholding affection. Critical comments. Bullying. Whatever.

***OK, STOP THE GAME A MINUTE***

I described how it felt to play this game. If someone asked "what type of guy are you, are you the kind of guy that plays A's or 10's or what?", you'd respond "I'm a GREAT guy, I'll play 10s or at least pretty big cards most of the time". If someone asked "why did you play so many A's and 2's the last couple of years? That looked borderline abusive", you'd reply "WHOA! That's NOT ME. That's not who I am! I only played those cards because SHE left me no choice! She was playing 3's and 4's and not loving me the way I need to be loved! If she had done HER JOB right I would've been HAPPY to respond with 7s, 9s, and a 10 now and then!"

So the whole issue in your mind was the way she treated you, and how it caused you to respond. You don't identify with you behavior because you see it as a reflection of her failure.

BUT THERE ARE SOME TRUTHS
-YOU ARE THE CARDS YOU CHOOSE TO PLAY. If you play A's and 2's, you are abusive. Doesn't matter why. If you kill someone you're a murderer. If you rob a bank you're a bank robber. And when you choose to treat someone poorly, then you are a BAD H. PERIOD.

-IT'S NOT HER JOB TO PLAY 10S AND MAKE YOU HAPPY. Yes, 10s feel great. It's a nice treat in life to experience. But that's not life. Life isn't a series of sexual adventures, passionate date nights, back rubs, and sharing poetry. Why? I don't know. We build a tolerance to things and quickly expect them and take them for granted. Heck, even if she kept playing 10s they would start to feel like 7s to you quickly as you got used to it. Eventually people get to a level they can maintain (such as 5s through 8s with an occasional 10) and it starts to feel like a disappointment. AND IF YOU USED THE 10S TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR LIFE YOU WILL SUDDENLY FEEL DISCONTENT AND FEEL YOUR PARTNER IS TO BLAME. SHE'S NOT. You have to be happy on your own, and take what you get as a bonus.

-ONLY YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT CARDS YOU PLAY. It doesn't matter if she plays 10s or 1s. *YOU* decide each day what type of person you are, how you want to respond. It's YOUR choice, not hers. She can play a 3 and you can STILL CHOOSE to respond with a 10.

CONCLUSION-

So, the funny part about all of this is that SHE FEELS THE SAME WAY. She thinks you didn't play the cards she needed to feel happy. She excuses all of her poor behavior as the "natural" reaction to being treated so poorly from you. She thinks what you did is far worse. This extends all the way to the "cheating". In her mind she would've never cheated had you not emotionally abused her for years, and it was only because of your actions that she was forced to take refuge in someone else to preserve herself. Then she remembered what a 10 felt like and decided that you were just an Ahole that played 1s-3s, and she can't have that in her life, and she found someone that plays 10s, so see ya later.

Now you're not playing the game anymore. There's no more interaction. SO YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH THE DIFFICULTY OF BEING DISAPPOINTED OR RESENTFUL. You start to find it easier to act like a fine and upstanding citizen. This further proves to you that it must've been her driving you crazy. WRONG. It's easier to conduct yourself well on your own. You're not better! If you were in a relationship again tomorrow you'd be back on the downward spiral again, and you'd be dropping 2's and A's on people in a controlling way until they left you as well. Why? Because you haven't learned another way yet!

For you to judge her on the cards she was playing and excuse your cards because they were the only possible reaction is not going to get you anywhere.

Step one is acknowledging the truths above, taking ownership for your behavior REGARDLESS of the context, and deciding what type of man you want to be. Step two is forgiving her for the cards she's played because now you see how she's done nothing you haven't also done. Step three is learning how to take responsibility for your own happiness so you don't resent your future partner for not being able to chemically maintain euphoria in your life. And step four is learning coping mechanisms so that you are able to maintain responses between 5-10 even when you feel hurt, threatened, or rejected.

When you reach that point where you can be truly ok without a woman's love to make you feel ok, then you can be free to choose to respond lovingly much more often. Oh, and that cheater that just dumped you? Maybe if you had the strength before to treat her differently she would've responded differently. That's the whole DB/DR idea- control your half of the dance and you'd be surprised at what you see in exchange. Of course, it will never be all 10s, that's why you have to grow a bit first. And if you do, people will take notice and you'll be ready for a truly successful M. Who knows...maybe she'll even notice...maybe she'll learn these things on her own after her fling dies down...you can't control that, but if YOU can't learn it how can you expect her to? I say lead by example and act with the character you wish she was utilizing. Maybe if you become the spiritual leader and walk this path she'll notice, and maybe follow suit. If not, you'll know you did your best to save the M, and more importantly you'll need an M to make you happy LESS, and be prepared to have a happy M MORE.