I have spoken very briefly with my W today. She is very sore and has been told to go to bed for three weeks to let her wounds heal. I'm no surgeon, so for a 'tummy tuck', I'm not sure how extensive the wound is.
My W said she 'wasn't thinking' when she arranged the operation, but I now have to try and arrange an extra weeks holiday to look after the kids. My SD isn't confident of the task at hand, so I am going to have to re-arrange my week to accommodate the situation.
Now, whilst in strict DB rules I should just carry on with my life, eschewing the needs of my W, this is actually about the wellbeing of my children. My W is plainly not in an ideal frame of mind, nor physical shape, to look after them adequately. I am, therefore, taking charge. This does not mean I am taking care of my W (that will be her responsibility, with help from my SD).
In one sense, this seems really cold and against my nature, but she has got herself in to the situation and my priority is the children. I know it's a fine line, but I think I'm acting appropriately, but as always, I do welcome constructive feedback.
Privately, I still care very much for my W, but I feel that I cannot be a caring H at this time; I've been sacked - right?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I'm no surgeon, but I am a physician. I would very surprised if it takes 3 weeks to recover from cosmetic surgery. Nowadays, many surgeries are less invasive and have much shorter recovery times. You should probably be able to confirm this by calling any surgeon's office and asking how long the expected recovery time is for this type of surgery. You can probably also find this information online - surgeons will often post this type of information for prospective patients.
Hi Huddy. Obviously the kids needed to be cared for It appears W is very clear of mind because she knew exactly how long recovery would take from the hernia. Even if it was keyhole your looking at 2 weeks and longer if done the old fashioned way. (( I had one and the doctors told me 4 weeks before I could drive )
It seems she knew SD would call you and you would step up to the plate and look after them
I too often look to some reason why they act as they do but often I come back to the one that they are just selfish.
Do what's best for you and your kids but please do get dragged into a ' poor confused W ' mindset
Her recovery time will be longer because as well as having a hernia removed, she has had a full abdomiplasty operation (tummy tuck) as well. As you know, here in the UK, we enjoy free healthcare, but if you are having a procedure purely for cosmetic purposes, this has to be done privately and you have to pay.
Let me recap, my W is currently 'homeless' and is living in local authority housing, over which she has no choice in regard to location, housing type etc. I have no idea how she has financed this (she certainly didn't get any money from the sale of the house) and as she hasn't even told her family (she doesn't want to be judged) it hasn't come from that source. My SD says she is going to pay it monthly, so it must be on some sort of finance plan.
The selfishness is just astounding. No care for the kids, no care for how it affects anybody else, no care for the effect on SD (she has a life as well) and no knowledge of how she's going to cope. My SD told me that W told her a month ago. She didn't even care that SD would have had to 'lie' to me. She has been told she can't drive or lift anything heavier than 2lbs (a bag of sugar) in that time. She has had a drain fitted for the next few days as well.
I'm staying on this side of the board for now, even though it is now most certain she's in MLC. A mix of emotions really. My nice guy, H side, wants to go and care, but I can't. My sacked H side wants to lecture her on her stupidity, but I can't. I just have to get on with my dad H side.
Just what happens in the brain when one member of a successful marriage just flips and goes 'nuts'?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy, I think the best way to look at this is - she's living her life and I'm living mine. We are not currently together and she will make whatever decisions she deems best for herself and I will do the same. Her life is not my life and my life is not her life. We are both free to come and go and do as we please. From a compassion perspective, she must have been feeling pretty horrid about her tummy to undergo such an invasive procedure.
If this (detached) perspective is yours, the only time you become interested is if her actions impact adversely on the kids or on finances for example. In these instances, there is an impact upon you or a boundary has been crossed (ie: if you are in hospital, I need to know and will look after the kids.) Otherwise, leave her be, other than passing the time of day and briefly asking how she is doing.
This week's circumstances have been challenging for sure and the more you can adopt the above mindset the better IMHO. I do think you still see yourself 'in relation to' her and her 'in relation to' you. Others have posted in this vein too, and when these comments are made, I think you go into defence mode a little and say - but I do this and I do that etc.
But I think detachment is more about how you come to feel about what happens, and your posts do have a vein of attachment running through them. I understand that you hope to restore your marriage, but will you truly be fine either way? If your W never decides to return to the marital table, will your life be okay regardless?
I don't think any of this means giving up on your marriage. I think it just means releasing yourself from being in the sidecar of a poorly driven bike. You can still keep your door open a crack and if something significant changes, you can look at how you feel then. But until or unless, I would truly try and live your life as though she is never coming back and her actions no longer really impact on your emotional state.
All JMHO of course and I hope there might be something in there of help to you. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I don't mean to give the impression of being defensive - I appreciate all advice given here
So, my kids will be sleeping with me now as W is in no position to look after them and SD, while doing her best, simply isn't 'mature' enough to handle two under 10's, especially one with a serious disablement.
I went to W's house to get some clothes for the kids and she looks grey. She is trussed up like a Christmas turkey. I didn't lecture, implore or anything else. I gave her some maintenance money but kept some back to feed the kids and buy extra stuff for them. She told me she didn't think it was fair, and I noted her comment, apologised and said nothing else. That put her in even more of a foul mood. So it was time to go. For somebody who really wanted surgery, she looked glum.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy, I think the best way to look at this is - she's living her life and I'm living mine. We are not currently together and she will make whatever decisions she deems best for herself and I will do the same. Her life is not my life and my life is not her life. We are both free to come and go and do as we please. From a compassion perspective, she must have been feeling pretty horrid about her tummy to undergo such an invasive procedure.
If this (detached) perspective is yours, the only time you become interested is if her actions impact adversely on the kids or on finances for example. In these instances, there is an impact upon you or a boundary has been crossed (ie: if you are in hospital, I need to know and will look after the kids.) Otherwise, leave her be, other than passing the time of day and briefly asking how she is doing.
This week's circumstances have been challenging for sure and the more you can adopt the above mindset the better IMHO. I do think you still see yourself 'in relation to' her and her 'in relation to' you. Others have posted in this vein too, and when these comments are made, I think you go into defence mode a little and say - but I do this and I do that etc.
But I think detachment is more about how you come to feel about what happens, and your posts do have a vein of attachment running through them. I understand that you hope to restore your marriage, but will you truly be fine either way? If your W never decides to return to the marital table, will your life be okay regardless?
I don't think any of this means giving up on your marriage. I think it just means releasing yourself from being in the sidecar of a poorly driven bike. You can still keep your door open a crack and if something significant changes, you can look at how you feel then. But until or unless, I would truly try and live your life as though she is never coming back and her actions no longer really impact on your emotional state.
All JMHO of course and I hope there might be something in there of help to you. Xx
+1
Huddy, read this, then read it again. Then once you've read it again read it yet again. Sotto is right on the money here.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
