Difficult night last night. Sad, angry, sorry for h, etc. He came yesterday to take kids to his parents. After several months of not seeing them & after several weeks of my MIL begging him to finally bring them so they can see each other before holidays (kids leaving next week to be with my parents before our holidays together). Usually we went Fri evening and came back Sun night when visiting my in-laws, now he came to get them Sat afternoon, drove 3 hours and back today after lunch. So 6 hours driving to spend less than 24 ours with his parents.
When he came we just exchanged a few practical things about upcoming holidays. This was after several weeks of not seeing each other. As I came closer to him to hand him passports of the kids he started receding. Looking at me like a scared animal. What an awful feeling! Is my h afraid of me? He told me once that every time he looks at me he is reminded of what I did to him and he feels like running away from me. It seems it's still there. That'll be fun spending almost one month holidays together.
But I also felt so sad. He looks so old. With his beard & moustache. He always found it dirty not to shave & now... Plus it's all white. He pays a lot of money for dying his hair and then keeps this white thing on his face. I do not recognise this person. It's soooo sad. He was walking like if his back was broken. Anyway,...
When they left I felt so bad. So this is how it will be from now on? Just the 3 of them or just the 3 of us going away. My younger son was quite disturbed by it. It seemed he didn't want to go but didn't want to leave his brother alone. I hate my h for doing this to them! To us!
My sister came to visit so I kept it cool until she went to bed and then I cried & cried. Feeling better today but upset with myself that seeing h for just a few minutes destabilises me this much.
Will see this afternoon how it goes. It's better not seeing him, when we e-mail or sms there is at least an illusion of normalcy.
