Well, I am feeling very conflicted right now. After that email, and feeling safe spending the evening with my biking L friend, walking, biking, having dinner, and talking quite a lot about H, i got a really good long comforting hug as I was heading out. He just told me that I am going to be OK.

I was strongly reminded how much I miss being held. i cried the whole way home just remembering how much I miss it. I don't mean in any sexual way, just simply being touched on the hand or back, a hug, putting my hand on H's shoulder as I walked by and him doing the same. I grew up in a family that almost never touched, but touch is critical to my well being. Now I go days or weeks without anyone touching me at all. I've barely been touched in over 6 months and it's awful. I crave hugs like a starving person craves food.

Anyway, it was a good day, until the end, when I just kind of fell apart for a while.

For starters, it was a gorgeous day today!!! The temperature was absolutely perfect (low 70s), breezy, big deep blue sky with a few puffy clouds. It was simply as good a day as can be had. I got some of the feeling of neglect shaken out of my house with a much-delayed bit of spring cleaning. I put the winter window clings away, and washed the windows to make way for the happy summer flower window clings. It's time to start moving on, rather than remaining mired in mid-winter abandonment mode.

I spruced up the girls' coop, and did the spring cleaning out there, too. Such good and nosy, nosy girls.

I talked to my biking L friend and he was having a stressful day, so I invited him over to see my land. We walked on my field paths and in the woods, too, then we sat outside and talked for a while. That was kind of hard, because he seems to be able to understand H better that I can. (He is a L, after all, and has seen all this before.). We hopped on our bikes for about 12 miles of hilly roads. Afterward I introduced him to my parents as they were so concerned about who I was hanging around with a couple weeks ago. After that, we had Chinese food at a takeout joint. Good food, but I wasn't feeling all that hungry. Hug and recutting conflicting needs happened afterwardZ.

I need to think long and hard about what's going on, but I'm falling asleep as I write. More later. Sleep well, everyone.