Deadline for Decision 8/15

[Chippie]

Hello, I'm new to this and not always sure how to tell when or if I'm in the right place or how to see my messages or how to enable private messages.

So I've been married for 13 years, together for 16. My husband has always been quick to anger and I hold in my response until I react inappropriately but for the most part walk on egg shells fairly often. We have two children in middle school.

He's high critical, always has been. Then last fall he decided his true self was polyamorous though he said he hadn't acted on it. I know he tried to hook up with a gal at least once but was turned down.

Additionally he takes testosterone due to low levels, has pituitary issues and was taking antidepressants. So I wondered in the poly stuff was related to hormonal or medication--- I said I can't do the polyamory thing. He was pissed at my "possessiveness" and "tearing apart the family" over it. Then one night we fought so much that it got out of control, he broke a door and kicked me out, I called the police and they asked him to leave.

I wanted to be with my kids. At this point one would say "Why would you two want to stay together" I don't know - we have lots of wonderful experiences and adventures and have much in common as well and of course the children... I really don't know... but anyway, now he won't forgive me about the police and refuses to discuss any part he may have in what happened - now he says he's not polyamorous... he became so unpleasant that I found another place to live and then told him he could stay with us until he found another place to live.

Then he somehow turned it around into a power struggle where he's waiting for me to prove to me that he can trust me again - he never says how, only that he doesn't see that how that's possible... and that everyone says he should leave me and not put up with me (he's been arrested, fired, had social services called on him - AND thanked in a top psych best selling author's book, and is successful... and I'm generally a people pleaser, creative and spacey...

I have trouble rising in business though I'm generally quite likable, bubbly and outgoing) all that is to say I'm not the main offender in the relationship - I have my part of course... he's narcissistic I believe... anyway, he moved into the new place and built a fence (like he's staying awhile) and he keeps telling me that I need to change though he knows I won't. And we are now in separate rooms, not intimate, he doesn't wear a ring anymore and he no longer takes me on dates, and did not want to "celebrate" our anniversary a few days ago. He DOES want to do lots of family activities and extend this purgatory I guess. He keeps saying he will make a decision by 8/15. I get very confused about what do I want ... so since he leaves this narrow window of a possibility open I'm not sure if the 180 fully applies though it seems like it does.

He does respond favorably to nice things being done for him and tallies when things aren't nice though he no longer gives me gifts for special events (mothers day, birthday, anniversary) I think he just like holding this power over me and projecting the pain and anger on to me. He's constantly dumping negativity on to me and then telling me he doesn't want to be around my negativity and he's grown and I haven't.

It's gas-lighting. And as I write this I feel embarrassed that I would hope for a whole life made of the golden moments we've had. So I think I need to avoid him as much as possible without making it seem punitive or deliberate. We'll still go to things as a family but maybe when he comes into a room I'll find something to do in another room and not start conversations or try to please him... all the things that tell him he has power over me. What do you all think?