Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Phoebe]

I walk fields, not fiends.;)

[Phoebe]

Well, it was kind an all-over-the-map kind of day. In no particular order, I got bummed out and cried, my doctors made me laugh without even seeing me, I sent an absurdly frank email, I biked, I spent quality time with my chicks and chickens, I took a full tour of my parents' gardens, and I got my new glasses.

So, it was a full day in a lot of ways.

I have to share this story about my doctors because I find it sweet. When I saw my T on Tuesday, he was concerned that he will be out of town for two weeks and I basically told him that I would only see his covering doctors if I was in a true crisis. (Meaning I wasn't going to see them at all.)

Thursday I saw him again and he seemed satisfied when I said I'd be fine while he was gone, but today I got a call from my GP's office saying she wanted to see me for a follow up visit sometime in the next two weeks!!! Yes, ma'am. When I saw her last week she said come back in 3 months!

They're friends and they're worried about me, so they hatched a plan to make sure I see someone while my T is gone! It was charming and I'm feeling well cared for by both of them. Plus, it made me laugh.

I slept poorly last night, waking up repeatedly to resentful thoughts of H, and that's new for me. I know the anger phase is supposed to be good for me and help me move on with my life, but it's interrupting my sleep again, just when that was improving! That feeling of being ill at ease contributed to the mini crying jag.

Let's see... The frank email was to my L/biking friend, spelling out my boundaries and saying what I need from him - to feel safe and free of any relationship confusion. I need a friend, and no more. I told him that if that wouldn't work for him he needed to tell me so I could distance myself. I've never been so upfront with anyone before. He said he was honored that I shared that with him, and that he was fine with us just as we are now (friends). Then we went for another bike ride! It was cool. Maybe I'll figure out how to navigate this new single life after all? It starts with relearning how to be friends with new people.

Anyway, it was an interesting day. I ended it by watching a movie called Youth with Michael Cain and Harvey Keitel. It has a spousal abandonment subplot, so not recommended as LBS-safe. Plus it was strange and slow and a bit too over the top in an artsy sort of way. Skip it unless you are a film buff.

Goodnight and I hope everyone sleeps well.

[JksD]

That is so sweet of your doctor and your T. Nice to have people who care about you and have your backs.

And good job on that frank email. I really need to take a leaf out of your book on how to draw boundaries amicably yet firmly.

Hooe you're having a much deserved sleep.

[JksD]

Back, not backs.

[SH_]

What a wonderful thing to have folks that support and are there for you. Great team with the doc and t. You are one lucky lady.

So this biking friend. What things was he doing that led you to write him the email?
Being open and honest is a great way to navigate the single thing. Heck it's a great way to navigate life. I am reading things that are reinforcing the thoughts that we often avoid being frank because we are trying to meet others expectations. But being honest and being ourselves is what will attract the people that are good for us and our lives.

The resentment phase is one that I just came out of. I get it and it is one that helped propel me forward, so hopefully you can experience it more in the waking hours.

I am at the phase where I enjoy being on my own and making decisions for me and my future. Yesterday I walked around with a smile on my lips and real genuine joy in my heart. I could see a future for me with happiness and contentment. It was a good day.

Hope you have a great day today Phoebe.

[J5K]

Phoebe

That is a great story. It is amazing help people come out of the woodwork to support those that have good hearts.

[Sotto]

Hi Phoebe, I'm pleased to read about the frank email to your male friend. You were doing the big thing I took away from reading Codependent No More - asking the question 'what do I need to do to look after myself in this situation - and doing it. Plus, it was respectful and received well - great stuff.

Xx

[SH_]

Phoebe, I hope you had a wonderful day today. Nothing like a holiday weekend.

Hopefully you have fireworks out in your neck of the woods that you can enjoy.


(((((phoebe)))))

[Phoebe]

Well, I am feeling very conflicted right now. After that email, and feeling safe spending the evening with my biking L friend, walking, biking, having dinner, and talking quite a lot about H, i got a really good long comforting hug as I was heading out. He just told me that I am going to be OK.

I was strongly reminded how much I miss being held. i cried the whole way home just remembering how much I miss it. I don't mean in any sexual way, just simply being touched on the hand or back, a hug, putting my hand on H's shoulder as I walked by and him doing the same. I grew up in a family that almost never touched, but touch is critical to my well being. Now I go days or weeks without anyone touching me at all. I've barely been touched in over 6 months and it's awful. I crave hugs like a starving person craves food.

Anyway, it was a good day, until the end, when I just kind of fell apart for a while.

For starters, it was a gorgeous day today!!! The temperature was absolutely perfect (low 70s), breezy, big deep blue sky with a few puffy clouds. It was simply as good a day as can be had. I got some of the feeling of neglect shaken out of my house with a much-delayed bit of spring cleaning. I put the winter window clings away, and washed the windows to make way for the happy summer flower window clings. It's time to start moving on, rather than remaining mired in mid-winter abandonment mode.

I spruced up the girls' coop, and did the spring cleaning out there, too. Such good and nosy, nosy girls.

I talked to my biking L friend and he was having a stressful day, so I invited him over to see my land. We walked on my field paths and in the woods, too, then we sat outside and talked for a while. That was kind of hard, because he seems to be able to understand H better that I can. (He is a L, after all, and has seen all this before.). We hopped on our bikes for about 12 miles of hilly roads. Afterward I introduced him to my parents as they were so concerned about who I was hanging around with a couple weeks ago. After that, we had Chinese food at a takeout joint. Good food, but I wasn't feeling all that hungry. Hug and recutting conflicting needs happened afterwardZ.

I need to think long and hard about what's going on, but I'm falling asleep as I write. More later. Sleep well, everyone.

[Sotto]

Hi lovely Phoebe, from what you post above I think it is a good plan to have a think about what is going on with your friend. There sounds to be a growing level of intimacy with a guy (who may well be attracted to you....because you are lovely :)) You have clearly outlined how this trip - if it happens - would need to work for you.

However, he's come to your home, you are eating out and cycling together - spending time together and sharing information about your situation. As you've said, you crave the physical contact with someone and I can see this easily reaching a tipping point into something more than friendship.

You are S for a while now (and he is already D?) But, you have had a traumatic time and whilst doing well, it is early days and does take a while. Most advice would be to wait for at least a year after D until dating and I think that during that time, building closer friendships with 'low risk' people is the best way to go.

This is JMHO of course Sweetie. What I would encourage you to do is google relationships and entanglements and have a read about the differences, asking yourself whether (given where you are currently at) you are in a place where a 'relationship' is possible.

Hope this helps my friend xx