What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[Zues126]

I like Rose's reply. Those are some macro examples, and she's right, those wouldn't come up much. There are micro examples that come up daily.

It starts with the thought process. That little mantra that we tell ourselves, "what's important is the kids". This can originate from our culture, or from what's lacking in the marriage. For example I know XW exalted the kids and neglected the marriage, but I also understand that the marriage was deeply dissatisfying and it was the only way she could figure out to meet her needs and take care of what she needed to take care of. I in turn did the same thing by putting my work first and feeling my main mission was to provide. I work this in because I want to make it clear that the kids aren't the only thing that can come in front of a marriage, and it isn't always a conscious choice.

Anyway, from this mentality as my mom said it provides an excuse to dismiss the needs of the marriage. Not spending couple time together. Letting the sex life become non-existent. Not dressing nicely. Not doing things for each other. All defended with the idea statements like "marriage has to take the back burner for a while after kids are around, that's just the way it is", or "they're his/her kids too, they should feel loved that I'm caring for the kids", or "he/she can take care of themselves, the kids can't", and so on.

As a pool player I have every line of the old Paul Newman film "The Hustler" memorized. There is a great line in which Paul Newman, the young hotshot, is playing Minnesota Fats, the seasoned veteran. Paul Newman is playing great and has a big lead, but Minnesota Fats isn't worried about that. He has seen a lot of people get a lead but not be able to put him away. Indeed, Paul seems pleased that he's outplayed him that far, and is starting to feel satisfied with what he's accomplished even though the match isn't over. And a growing dread that Minnesota Fats isn't giving up. At one point Paul Newman says "Quit fat man. I'm the best, the best you've ever seen. Even if you beat me I'm still the best!"

And just like that Minnesota Fats knew he was going to win. That line "even if you beat me I'm still the best" was the flag. It showed weakness, it showed that Paul was making excuses and prepared to accept a loss and find a way to rationalize it to himself and feel good about simply getting a lead. It was at that point that MN Fat's backer (the guy putting up the money) said "Stick with this kid, he's a loser!" Sure enough, MN Fats came back and emptied Paul out of his entire bankroll.

That's how I view the whole "kids come first, spouse will have to understand". It generally leads to neglect of the marriage. I haven't seen that followed by a mutually fulfilling relationship.

Now, that's not saying it's possible. If anyone can do it I believe Ginger that you could, and I wouldn't bet against you. Just what I've seen play out in many relationships.