What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[Georgia Bulldogs]

For what it's worth, although I move the goal posts in my thread, I haven't said a word to W about R since MC on Tuesday. I recognize that I need to figure out what I want to do, I know I want to save M just need to figure out what the best path is to get there.

It's nice that Wonka stopped by to give you her counter-productive personal philosophies and non-solution oriented techniques (just wait it out and see what happens and try not to be so emotional because your wife is hurting and fragile) but it is my understanding that that really isn't consistent with the purpose of this forum:

The purpose of this site is to help you navigate through the solution-oriented techniques created by Michele Weiner-Davis that have been proven for over 30 years to save marriages. Her techniques are spelled out in the materials linked to this site, but most commonly on this board we are talking about Divorce Busting(DB), Divorce Remedy(DR) and Keeping Love Alive (KLA). Most of the folks here are familiar with one or more of these works, and while it's most helpful if you familiar with the techniques we will help you navigate them. This is not a peer-counseling site, it's a brainstorming solutions site. And yet, some folks will give you 'advice'.

My advice is consistent with the only professional that matters on this forum (though many other professionals agree). Here's an excerpt from one of her books..

THE UNFAITHFUL PERSON
If you are the partner who had an affair and your spouse still wants your marriage to work, it's time to push up your sleeves and get to work. Rebuilding trust and repairing your marriage is hard work, but it can be done. I've seen it happen many, many time. First of all, I want you to know that most people who have had affairs didn't mean to hurt their spouses. They often feel very bad about the fact that the affair has caused so much pain and wish they could turn back the hands of time. Although you can't change the past, you can change the future. I'm going to show you the step you need to take to get your marriage back on track.

STEP ONE - END THE AFFAIR

If you are dedicated to saving your marriage, if you haven't already, you need to stop the affair -- cold turkey. Affairs and marriages generally don't go together very well. If you want to rebuild trust, you need to start being trustworthy, and that means you need to stop having intimate relations of any kind with the OP. If you have become emotionally attached, I know this will require a great deal of personal strength. But the sooner you cut the ties, the better off your marriage will be.

Don't fool yourself into thinking you can just be friends or that the phone calls can continue because you're not having any face-to-face contact. NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT. You need to tell the OP that you've decided to renew your commitment to your marriage. If this relationship has been satisfying unmet needs in your marriage, it will be eve more challenging to cut the cord, but you need to find healthy ways to get your needs met within the context of your marriage. I'm going to help you do that. I don't think you should stay married and be miserable. I think you should make your marriage great. Now's a good time.

Mrs. Coconut is fooling herself (and trying to fool Mr. Coconut) into thinking she can actually maintain some face-to-face contact with the OP and her letter described the unmet needs she's FELT in her marriage which she was obviously using OP to fill. It doesn't get any clearer than "no contact means no contact".

"Heartfelt"??? I'm stunned that anyone could actually read that letter and think it's heartfelt. It's more stomach felt IMO, as she hurled every emotion and feeling she could to rationalize and justify continuing to do exactly what it is she wants at his emotional expense (entitlement). After a year of real recovery she won't even recognize herself in the letter and she'll be calling herself a butt for writing it. Sure she's opening up a little about some resentments in your marriage that she's kept bottled up but she blowing them up and focusing on anything and everything she's ever catalogued that you've done to her to support her WANT to keep that job. Such feelings in no way justifies continuing behavior that will cause him to be resentful. They need to achieve "no contact' and get to work resolving and minimizing resentments versus creating more. IBecause I'm a believer in DB techniques and whole heartedly agree that you shouldn't stay married and be miserable. I think you should make your marriage great. Now's a good time to start.