WHs do come back--Piecing--acceptance & time

[BluWave]

Thank you both. It doesn't change anything for me in terms of what/how I post. I have a lot of love and respect for him. When I was falling, he was there to catch me, and that is what matters and what we remember about people.

We naturally lost touch and it's understandable. He would not want anything to do with my H and he knows what a POS I still think his W (or XW) is. Life has moved forward for both of us and we have gone our separate ways. It's okay.

Which brings me to my current topic of acceptance. I have spent a lot of energy in my life trying to control things--situations, outcomes, relationships--and often it worked for me (or so I believed) so I kept it up. During my DB fails (for lack of a better term), I was completely spinning. Not only because I was heartbroken and terrified, but because I felt I had no control over my life anymore.

I am coming to realize that I always had and will have control over my life, but not in the sense that I thought I did. I can't actually control situations, outcomes, or relationships, but what I CAN control are my actions AND my perspective. We can always alter our perspective but we have to stop being stubborn and be open to that. Perhaps if I understood this better, I would have been more successful at DB. I just knew H was making a terrible mistake and I wanted to show him. I tried to control him. However, because of my (explosive and emotional) actions, I pushed him further away, and I in turn made it near impossible for H to come back. I know that now.

I am starting to understand that my control IS acceptance. It's not necessarily the actions of change or influence, but rather accepting where I am in the present moment. If I can't accept it, then I can control trying to see it from a different perspective. If I still can't accept it, then it is not my place to change it, but rather find something different that works for me. Or move on without it.

This may seem obvious, but for me it wasn't. I think I was my own worst enemy. Now, the more I am accepting, the more I realize I can control my own happiness and life satisfaction. If when H had his A and left me, and I didn't lose control and fight it, I could have successfully DB. By success I mean, let him go and learn to love myself again. Not sure if I would have taken him back had I been stronger, but either way I could have been in a better place and not tortured myself for so long.

Just my thoughts for today.

Let go of your spouse. They are asking for that. Accept they are gone and remedy your own pain. Stop torturing yourself and trying to mind read and control them. Once you can do that, they may begin to feel safe to come back.

Blu