What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Whether Mrs. Coconut gives up the volunteer fire fighting gig has nothing to do whatsoever with her slightly messed up priorities regarding her son versus her husband.

She conflated the issues in her email but I don't see how it really supports her argument to keep the job.

Her logic went something like:

-We went from a loving relationship to a friendship
-I love my son more than you (you can never understand a mother's love)
-My son is 16 and leaving home soon
-I need this "job" to help deal with him leaving
-your feelings don't matter

Loving her son more than him has nothing to do with why she should or shouldn't keep this job. It doesn't add to the argument at all. It's not like Coconut is asking her to choose him over her son. Suppose she actually loved her husband equal to or more than her son --> she'd still want to keep the job because she is going to miss son when he leaves for college and they become empty nesters anyway. Loving her son more than her husband has nothing to do with keeping this volunteer position working with a bunch of men and with a guy she recently had an affair with.

Plus ---> her son isn't AT the firehouse and he's not left the nest yet. He's got one or two more years of high school so if she really loved him so much you would think she would want to be sticking around home for just a little longer getting every piece of son time she can possible get before he leaves for college. Further, she (and you) have a chance here to demonstrate and model repentance, appropriate apologies, forgiveness, redemption, restoration within the context of a marital relationship to your (her?) son. I know he's 16 but I'm sure he'd prefer his parents to be in a loving kind relationship versus a contentious and/or divorced one.

My point is ---> it's not about love or who ranks higher ---> this is about a yet foggy recently wayward wife expressing her (to be expected) selfishness and entitlement. After ALL she's endured {slight eye roll because some is real and some is not but none of it justifies her choice to cheat}, she FEELS she deserved/deserves this. Her feelings misguide her and her statements portray a woman that isn't thinking clearly.

If she truly wants a loving marriage instead of a "friendly" one, there are certain boundaries that need to be in place. You don't work closely with old boyfriends/girlfriends or people you made out with recently while married. There's no negotiating boundaries. They just are. Can you imagine the arguments you could have with the fence in your back yard? Just try asking the metal meshed staked fence to step back a foot or fall down and let you through.

Again, you don't have to be mean or upset about it. You don't even have to say "quit or I'm divorcing you". You just say "No, it's not acceptable" and maybe "I'm not going to acquiesce to my own abuse". If she rants you ask her if she is trying to control your feelings and how you feel like a caged animal unable to express your feelings. If she wants to file divorce, that's fine...it's a free country and you can't make her not file (because this isn't about controlling her). If she asks if you are going to file divorce you maybe say something like "probably not - but I'm going to continue to object to this job while continuing also to be the best husband , father (or step father), person I can be and continue to demonstrate that I love you as you struggle with your choices (i.e.- demonstrating that "you are there for her" while recognizing she's very lost right now). I have no intention of controlling you or making you quit but you should know and will continue to be told that everyday you "volunteer" devastates me. Hopefully someday, sooner or later, that will matter enough to you. If she brings up the son argument again or ranking her love ---> this isn't about your relationship with son, this is about you, me and our family being the best we can be.

Her compliance will probably or hopefully correlate with her feelings for you.

I also want to address something Ginger said. I'm not criticizing her advice or statements in any way. I just want to add a thought to it.

I have said this before and I will say it again. I don't think it is ok to cheat. (my ex cheated on me in the very worst way). However, there are many offenses in a marriage both partners that commit that are hurtful and cause distrust. Cheating and these offensives are mutually exclusive. One does not make an excuse for another, but both can be very hurtful and take lots of repair. There are many ways to break marriage vows.

I hope I'm not coming off as saying his recently wayward wife is a horrible person who deserves no mercy or empathy nor that there isn't a single shred of truth to her complaints listed in her letter. I very much dislike the sin of adultery and I'm observant of what it does to the wayward spouses mindset for a time but that mindset isn't forever. So when I use terms like foggy selfish entitled wayward, I'm not describing, labeling or even branding the person forever tainted, but rather referring to their current mindset (that COULD become permanent if they don't change their destructive path). I'm not a believer in "once a cheater, always a cheater" because I think just about every human is capable of inflicting any number of sins, hurts and pains on other humans. It's our nature. But, all that being said, if we are to get about giving advice about address that "lots to repair" we need to be cognizant of that wayward mindset and what self and other destructive things it will want to do.

Coconut can address his side of the street and the issues and hurts he brought to the relationship, if any (wayward's can rewrite history and him saying it's the first he's heard about some of these complaints is a pretty good indication it's mostly cow chips), while also making quitting the volunteer job a boundary that's good for the relationship that's going to "take a lot to repair".

Maybe my only criticism might be that the above quote might imply that Coconut should endure her working with OM because he wasn't a great or perfect husband and there is more than one way to break vows in the marriage (as though you feel he has done that and thereby he should give her a break and let her do what she FEELS she has to).

That all being said, I, too, am sympathetic to Coconut and the fearful choices he has to make. I KNOW it's hard and I was very fortunate to have a situation that didn't require me to immediately state a boundary like this at the risk of losing my marriage. But when Ginger says this:

Again, I see people here telling you what you should tolerate and what you should not tolerate. You need to decide for yourself what you feel, and not how you SHOULD be feeling.

I want you to consider your FEELINGS but also realize feelings lie (just like they are lying to your wife right now). Consider instead what is right and best. Maybe that's a difference between a boundary and control. This isn't a FEELING of punishment or justice, rather it is what is right and best for your marriage for multitudes of reasons. It's best and right that your wife not hang out at that volunteer workplace with those people (mostly men) that all know what happened and most particularly around the OM and the best [recovered] marriages simply don't tolerate either spouse hanging around with anyone either one of them have ever had any sexual or emotional relationship in the past. So I say, for the most part, IGNORE or OVERRIDE your feelings of fear and chaos (the unknown) and embrace the unemotional logic of what is right.

In the end, my wife loves and respects me for everything I did to bust up her affair and save her from destroying herself and our family. I made her mad as heck sometimes and she swore she'd hate me forever but sometimes you just gotta say "I matter too". I certainly can't guarantee success, but chances are very high she'll come around. It's not like OM is an option (supposedly). Either way, you'll respect yourself more for undertaking my suggestions and advice no matter how this turns out long run.