Inevitable always happens

[keefa]

Hi everyone.
Been a while since I posted so thought I would check in.
I have been reading an awful lot on here over the last few months and I find it heartbreaking reading individual stories.

As for me, well it is a year today since I got ILYBINILWY.

My Divorce is progressing past the first court hearing (UK) and it looks likely to be messy.
I am still GAL'ing. I am polite and professional to my ex and only let my boys see me happy and content. I am still fighting to see them more (currently just under 4 days in 30) and am fighting to keep a roof over my head.
Solicitors bills have put me massively in debt but there are assets so what will be will be.

Emotionally, well, it is incredibly hard still.
I have times at work when I cannot stop tears.
I sit alone at night and am baffled how it got to this.
I still do not understand. I miss my boys every day.
Ex is hostile, vindictive, accuses me of everything and anything to vindicate her affair.
I still do not sleep well. GAL'ing is the hardest thing I have ever done. The ONLY time I feel happy is when I am with my boys. The absolute best moment in the month is Sunday morning on 'my' weekend, all snuggled up watching a movie and playing silly games.
I have accepted the loss of my wife. There is no way back from this even if a miracle happened and she wanted to talk.
I am struggling to accept the loss of my family, my dreams, my trust, my wanting to be close to someone.
Everyone tells me it will all come good, it will change.
I don't think so. I can't make it not have happened. I can't get back the times I have missed with my children.
All we ever do is scar over and become harder to what hurt us. Some of us become bitter. This is so sad. I often have nightmares about the police knocking at my door telling me there has been an accident involving her and my boys.
I miss the person I knew.
I want her to understand the pain.
I want her to at least be friendly for the sake of the boys.
Everyone tells me the boys will work it out one day.
Of this I have no doubt but how will I get my fatherhood back ?
How will I get back the hundred missed story times, light sabre fights before bed, sharing tv programs, making models on a rainy Sunday. The list goes on. I get told that to move on I must forgive.
I will never forgive her. Never. Healthy or not, I will never consider her with anything other than utter contempt.
The good times in our have been blacked out by what she has done. 15 years wasted.
Each week I try to do something for me, dog walk, treat for dinner and so on. I'm still putting one foot in front of the other and I hope something inside changes soon.

Good luck to you all.