I have been following along your thread very closely over the past two weeks. I am concerned enough to step in and offer some thoughts here. Although I am really pleased that you asked some posters really hard questions about their motivations.
To me, I thought W wrote a really heartfelt letter and she took the risk by being vulnerable to you. That is a huge step on her part for it is very obvious to me that she's put a lot of thought into it. It is her point of view. You can parse it all you want, but THE BOTTOM line is that she is opening up more and more to you. That is very good in my book for piecing. As you can see around DB threads, very seldom do WASes apologize for their awful choices.
Awful choices notwithstanding, one must remember that it takes TWO to destroy a marriage and it also takes TWO to re-build it together. It seems fine and dandy that some posters come around and blast W putting all the blame on her shoulders while forgetting that both parties contributed to the M breakdown. The only thing you truly can control is your actions, patterns, and behaviors. Frankly, you fell short in the H department too and you've acknowledged here. I think it would be a really good idea for you to have a talk with W by thanking her for her letter and owning up to your shortcomings as well.
Patterns, behaviors, and actions all originate in one's head. What I mean by that is that all thoughts drive one's behavior. If one has a negative outlook, then actions will manifest them outwardly. If one approaches situations with a loving mindset, then actions will follow accordingly. This is why piecing is so, so, SO tough for many DBers because they all forget to approach it with a beginner's mind and re-learning about their WASes in a new light.
Coconut, I strongly believe that you truly want to save your M deep in your soul. The problem I am seeing from my vantage point is that your emotions get the better of you and you get riled up by some posters who try to push you to take this or that action. Remember, they don't get to live with them...but you do. They go away on their merry way because they don't actually walk in your shoes nor in your M.
Use your head here, my friend. Your head will not steer you in the wrong direction if you remain cool, calm, and collected. You are not some small toy sailboat being tossed by some "unseen" forces out there. You are the Captain. Take charge of your emotions.
Stop the "separation" talk for real. It is your emotions doing the talking...better known as the little ego. Be more expansive and take the long-view here. Yeah, granted that it is not ideal that W continues to interact with the XOM at the fire house. In my mind, I would sit back and stay quiet until the completion of the academy training. Why is that? When the academy training is done, then you will be able to see clearly the next steps. What do I mean by that? Upon the completion of training, you will see where XOM will go or W will be placed. That is the key factor to take into consideration.
THEN that will be the prime time for you internally re-evaluate your position. You really don't want to constantly hold the sword of Damocles over your W. That will end the M very quickly. I believe that you sincerely do not want that, right?
Going forward, you really need to engage W and discuss solutions on how to make your M stronger, healthier, and happier. In reading your latest posts, you seem to move the goalposts willy nilly....is that fair to you, W, and the M????!!
Healthy marriages nurture each other's individual passions. I think you can figure out a way to support W's passion. For me, my passion is golfing and if someone told me to quit golfing, I'd die a slow death. No question. In fact, if I were you, I'd attend the station's social events. Facing XOM? Pllfffft. This ins't the time to act like a scaredy cat. You are waaay much better and bigger than him. I bet he would cower around you and avoid you like the plague. Just watch.
In summary, you and W really need to turn toward each other. It starts with you now that she's sent you the heart-felt letter. What are you going to do to step up and engage with her? How would you go about it?
Forget about the separation talk nonsense. You are your own worst enemy at times.
