I'm a long recovered betrayed husband. My wife had an affair and we've recovered.
I am very pro reconciliation but I'm also against rug sweeping away the affair. I've tried my best to help many betrayed husband's save their marriage (if and for as long as they want to). My story isn't on any public forum. I've just read several forums for years.
I am religious and I do volunteer in the marriage ministry at my church but I'm not a marriage counselor.
I don't want to encourage you to be mad or adversarial. This is your wife who you love even though in her mind, she FEELS you don't love her enough and aren't or weren't there for her. I know, from experience, that Her FEELINGS are merely rationalizations but to her they are 100% real so giving her ultimatums (or, God forbid) putting her in the driver's seat of your recovery would both be mistakes. Despite your pain, fear and uncertainly, you are the only sane spouse remaining in your relationship right now. So you simply and calmly put the boundary out there. It's not up for negotiation or manipulation. You, her and your family are worth more than a stupid firefighting volunteer position she can, at least, hold off a year on DUE TO HER POOR CHOICES. If she values her family and you as I believe she does, she'll acquiesce, begrudgingly; and, in time (might not happen immediately as she plays out her attempt to control and manipulate you) get over it.
Your marriage can survive and even thrive once she gets over her self inflicted upsettedness. OM remaining in her life ~ it might survive, for a time, but it certainly won't thrive. I've never seen a recovery work with OM still around. Even if she really despises him (and really, how can you trust for sure that's the honest truth) it's still contact which messes with her mind and keeps her trapped in foggy wayward thinking.
I literally DON'T want you to divorce - my advice is PRO-marriage.
What would you do if your weren't afraid? Fear is debilitating and demoralizing. Let he continue working with OM and you'll be fearful every time she sets foot out that door.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
