Lost at the moment

[doodler]

Sorry that got a little long winded, back to your original question, I think it's gone back and forth between EA/PA.

lfm,

I feel like I'm an evil dude when I say this, but your wife is in a PA plain and simple. You're living in LBS fog.

Sorry.

[lfm]

Thanks for the thoughts guys.

I do agree I need to establish a line in the sand with her as far as the relationship with the OM is concerned. One of the mistakes I made early on was telling her I would give her time to figure things out and she put a time frame around moving into the new house on it.

I'm evaluating where I want to draw that line and how I want to communicate enforcing it once we get into the house. I feel like since I agreed to that time frame that I need to stick with it.

Zaphyr - no offense on the term cuckhold. Technically any of us who have wifes that have had an affair would meet the technical definition of a cuckhold, however, it is definitely not the fetish for me that it is most commonly associated with.

PacLove - I definitely can't trust or believe anything my W says or does at this point because she has said one thing and done the opposite so many times since the BD, but see it as an opportunity to try and learn what she sees in the OM, if there are things I can do differently in terms communicating with her and like I said, I've been given a lot of details which helps me not spend time speculating what she's been doing. At least it helped early on. Now that I'm dettaching, it doesn't seem to do anything one way or the other.

doodler - I agree it is a PA, it's just odd to me that she can go for weeks without actually seeing him. To me if you are that enamored/addicted to something that the parties involved would want to spend every possible moment together, so that's why I said I think it goes back and forth. Clearly the PA portion of it is not over since she saw him last week, but seemed like it had moved back to an EA prior to that as they had not seen each other for over a month.

[Zephyr]

Zaphyr - no offense on the term cuckhold. Technically any of us who have wifes that have had an affair would meet the technical definition of a cuckhold, however, it is definitely not the fetish for me that it is most commonly associated with.

I used the term not for the fetish-y sub-definition, but for the connotation of humiliation that the word carries.

As far as continuing because you agreed...you can change your mind anytime. That is part of being a grown up. she changed her mind. you can change yours, not to punish her but in accordance with the way you want to live within your moral fabric, in an effort to save your mind from the harm that this situation is potentially causing you.

don't pigeon hole yourself, just because you made an agreement to something. I would consider her actions as holding you hostage for the marriage so that she could continue to engage in her affair free and clear of any repercussions (I don't particularly care if you want to label as EA or PA or whatever...it is all the same, a significant violation of the trust you share with each other as you enter your relationship together).

because you are continuing along, there will be no change from her. what happens if, when you get to new place...she decides that she is fine with the way things are going, what then? she is lying to you in an effort to make you go along with her plan to keep you in your place in case something changes.

there is an old rule about negotiations...unless you are willing to get up and walk away from the table, the negotiation is already over...you will never get what you truly want...you will compromise beyond what you thought you should, because you don't want to lose out. does that make sense?

I am sorry if this is coming off harsh. you need to look after yourself here, no one else will.

[lfm]

Thanks Zephyr, all great points that I'll take into consideration as I figure out how I want to move forward with boundries and drawing a line in the sand.

Thanks!

[lfm]

Interesting turn of events this afternoon. My W is home with the all of the kids today so I sent her a txt to the effect of wanted to say hi and hope your having a good day.

Got the following response: "Thx I'm actually having a very bad day. U know who (referring to OM) is ignoring my texts but what else is new. I think it's finally over. I don't see him hanging on to anything. I know full well I deserve this so I can only blame myself. Sorry just venting"

I don't know that this ends things with the OM, but this is where some of the listening and being available to vent comes into play. I at least know what she's thinking/feeling at this moment. I'm sure it will change, but in some ways it's good to see this happen so that maybe she hits the bottom that she needs to hit in order to kind of snap out of it.

I'm definitely going to give her lots of space right now, last thing she'll want is me "hovering" to make sure she's doing okay. I replied to the effect of if there is anything I can do to help you through this let me know. I'm going to leave it at that.

We'll see what happens over the next couple of weeks.

[Zephyr]

Please be careful here.

None of those questions that have been posed have been answered. this is no reason to stop thinking about them and coming to terms with what the outcomes of those thoughts (Boundaries and Consequences)

if you want help with the thinking, feel free to post your thoughts...it is clear that there are many people here who WANT to help you and look out for you.

Also, when you say give her space...does that mean you are going to continue to work on goals and GAL?

[lfm]

Absolutely going to be careful here, and what I mean by give her space is be even more cognizent of the space I give her than I have been, make sure that any communication is initiated by her and that I do not ask her about how she's doing/feeling from a day to day basis.

I also am not sure that this will be the end of anything so I'm keeping that in the back of my mind as well. I also feel that just becuase that relationship may be ending does not mean we immediately start working on ours. I know she's going to need time to grieve before she can move foward and that doesn't necessarily mean we move forward together. She's got plenty she's going to have to change before we can do that.

I am still planning on continuing my GAL activities and goals and thinking about boundaries and consequences. I honestly can't believe that relationship is over until I see actions/proof that it's over. One text doesn't show that, not even close, but it's potentially a step in the right direction.

Thanks Zephyr!

[lfm]

For any newbies out there, just to show the mind of the WW, you can see my post from earlier today where my W was indicating that she thought the affari was over, but sure enought she got a phone call tonight and just a few minutes later, she left.

Proof that you absolutely cannot believe 100% of what you are and 50% of what you see. I'm not suprised by this at all, but thought it was important to call this out for everyone who questions if they should believe their wives.

[Zephyr]

LFM, i am sorry to read this. really i am.

try to get some sleep. tomorow is a new day, a new light for you.

(lfm)

[lfm]

Thanks Zephyr,

I think deep down I knew I couldn't believe her text today, but I think maybe it's one step closer to her realizing that she's made a huge mistake.

Not that I stopped, but back to goals, GAL, and thinking about boundries and consequences.

Thanks for checking in!