3 Months of misery

[coffee_]

So last night, unprovoked she opened up a little. I shut my mouth and listened. She said some things that came from below the cloud. Not talking in absolutes, but letting me know that she is trying to figure out what makes her act like that, and seek that attention. She feels it is a trust thing but not quite sure exactly what it stems from. She also jumps back and forth from that to just plain made some shitty choices. She also admitted that when she fires back at me about my lying about my nicotine addiction it is just a defense mechanism. I didn't say much except that I do understand how my lies hurt her, and told her I know how that feels also. I did good to just listen and not trade words. She was honest about her feelings and honest that she knows that she made a mistake.
I know it is not a huge revelation, but definatly a baby step. I will continue on my course. I have to be clear about my decision to D, I do know this, I have an unconditional love for her and my family. That doesn't mean that I can sweep this under the rug, I will redefine who I am and the man I wish to be in a relationship, this I know has to happen.
Someone recently gave her a book about nicotine, and being sympathetic to the addict of nicotine. We talked about that a bit and I told her that it [censored] that I can't come to her and say man I slipped and I am smoking or chewing again. If I did it would be a huge argument and she wouldn't trust me. Well she also acclaimed that she knew how that felt. I have a hard time believing all that she said, but I could just tell there was a glimmer of truth there. I have known her a long time and can recognize when she is sincere.
I understand that she is probably realizing that since I have pulled my half of the finances from the general fund that I may not be an option at all right now.
The last thing she said was if I wanted to trade her for the MB, I was more than welcome too. I may take her up on that. I would love to sleep in the bed I bought with cash using my bonus money.