I agree, I feel like her she was honest in her letter, she let me know why she doesn't want to quit the academy and was truthful in saying that she doesn't know if she can count on me. For the record, none of that has been said by her before the letter.
She never said it before because it's only partially true. It's little small fleeting feelings she's had over time blown up to become rationalizations and justifications for doing whatever the heck she wanted/wants. It's called a history re-write.
Waywards are selfish entitled monsters. She read your journal and came up with her best most manipulative and controlling arguments so she could to keep you AND the volunteer position.
She hit on all the major wayward wife themes:
-You are controlling -You neglected me -It's your fault -I'm sorry I failed to tell you what a POS you were years ago -We are friends and I don't love you like I should (and she won't as long as OM remains anywhere in her life) -Your behavior put me in this position -I gave and gave (you and son) for years and now it's time for something for her - that just hers -I feel like a caged animal -I have to do this - it's almost life or death
But I did like a small part of the letter:
Quote:
That I should have sat you down and told you straight that your behavior is affecting our relationship and my feelings for you. I didn’t do that and I realize now that it needed to be done. I’m sorry that I didn’t try harder. I’m sorry that I didn’t call you out on your behavior and I’m sorry for not telling you how angry I was at you for it.
This is exactly why you can't just roll over and not make a boundary about volunteering at the FF. Her letter sounds as it was designed to sound. If you try to make her quit, she'll choose the firehouse and her son over you -- SO DON'T EVEN TRY IT. It's a threat. She's actually the one trying to cage you into accepting this arrangement that is destructive to you (and HER since you are her family).
Call her bluff and state your feelings just as she supposedly wished she'd have done years prior. Use this paragraph to defend your expressing yourself and "trying harder". She may get mad, she may leave you --- so what. It's better than dealing with the indignation and anxiety of her volunteering with the OM and your marriage just stagnating.
For example, as I recall (and she can probably relate her story a little better than I), Sandi and her husband had their first d-day and she gave up several of the online OM's she had had at that time but she secretly kept and maintained a relationship with one of them for another year. She just talked above about how coming to being truly sorry took a really long time for her and, I extrapolate that part of that was due to the fact she had not achieved "no contact" for a long time with all the OMs. It took a forum of former way wards and former betrayed's to convince her to cut off the relationship completely and THEN, lo and behold, she actually could feel remorse.
Your wife's foggy letter is to be expected. She's barely sorry and just going through the motions. She's still in wayward selfish entitled mode and part of the reason for that is because she is still seeing OM regularly at and around the firehouse. A person that hurts someone to such extreme would try to make or maybe discuss making amends, not defend their choices including the choice to remain in daily contact with OM.
Another thought. It's not like you can wait this out to decide. Every day you accept this situation the way it is is just kicking the marriage ending conflict down the road and making it harder and harder as she becomes more engrossed in that world. She'll very very likely get over you stating your boundary and sticking to your assertion that you have no intent to control her but that for you to continue in this relationship she needs to stop hurting you daily and give up the FF. She clearly wants the marriage so don't waste your time believing all the other manipulations and wayward babble.
An alternative did occur to me as I read the thread. If you take FF academy next spring than she should quit now, wait and take it with you and the two of you can do it together. In one year of not being there and leaving there immediately she'll probably be able to fall back in love with you and never want to set foot in that firehouse again and you'll be able to overcome her supposed fears and demonstrate that you can "be there for her". You then aren't asking her to give up the dream forever - just less than one year until next spring. By then, you'll know whether you are recovering or not.
Sometimes I wish the poster Mr. Bond was still around to demonstrate just how long recovery takes when the wife still works for or with the OM. He went on and one in pseudo-recovery for about 3 years while his wife worked for the Dr. OM at the hospital. It wasn't until the OM retired and actual "no contact" was achieved that their marriage finally recovered. Are you willing to wait until OM moves or gives up volunteering to not be concerned or even think about it every time that beeper/pager goes off at 2am or every time she goes over to the firehouse for training and socializing???? You'll end up rue'ing the day you realize you should have put your foot down immediately on this issue (and by foot down I don't mean in a punishing mean aggressive demeaning way - you can state boundaries very nicely and with empathy even - you can have complete understanding of how hard this will be for her to give up (until next spring?) but it's just something you can't accept and it's even more cruel that she even asks (and manipulates) you to accept it.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
