Yes, the intent was for me to be present during the heart to heart between my wife and sister. I can almost see it play out in my head...my wife crying but my sister in excruciating pain. The pain would be there any way my sister finds out, but I almost would want my wife to see the pain she is causing with her actions.
My BIL has no idea that I know what's going on.
Yes, by confronting my BIL instead of telling my sister, I would be trying to end the EA without ending her marriage to my BIL...basically tell him he needs to stop all contact with my wife or I tell my sister everything. The other motivation for him if that isn't enough is that if his family finds out, they will ostracise him. He and his family spend enormous time at his parents lake house. My family spends a lot of time there as well. It's an awesome and very special bonding place for the cousins and our kids...and apparently my wife and BIL. His family would not allow my BIL or my wife to visit it anymore if they knew of the EA.
Can I borrow it? Borrow what you ask? The crystal ball you used to find out exactly what would happen in all these scenarios.
Not for nothing, but you, I, or anybody else knows how others are going to react in a given scenario. I do agree with you that there is likely going to be a lot of pain, anger, arguments, etc, when all of this is exposed (and it will come out eventually, at least to your Sis). I can't imagine what you are dealing with to have a well liked family member as the OM, but I read this and think that you believe you have it all figured out.
It wouldn't surprise me if your BIL knew that you know. Why do you think BIL's family would ostracize him, you may find blood is thicker than water.
I think the thing that you need you focus on figuring out is what is going to make you feel like you did the right thing about your sister finding out. Would it be better for you to tell your sister, or wait until she finds out and defend why you didn't tell her. You've pointed out the reasons that you would do either, but at the end of the day, what do you think is going to make you feel like you did the right thing (because she may not be ok with either option you choose).
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
