What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[Coconut]

CBT, I do want to be M to her if we are both working on it being a good one, her letter made leaps and bounds towards telling me she is, so the answer is yes, I do want our M.

Sandi, I think I realized what she may of found, and it's not this site. I write myself a lot, I find it easiest to send myself emails to collect my thoughts, I sent the following email to myself and then forgot my phone at home the next day (same day she gave me letter) and she was off for a few hours that morning.

My email, subject done.
____________________________________________________
I told you I wanted to talk about us two days after I noticed you being withdrawn from me. You hadn't talked to me in two years.

I immediately changed when you told me how I had hurt you, I stopped playing video games, started exercising, started trying to engage with you, spent more time with Son.
After I changed, you started an A. I found out about A, I said you need to quit academy, you said you won't. You say you will come home right after class and won't go there when he's there. You have class the next day, you stay at station over an hour after class. Truck checks are a week after I find out about an A, you know he's gonna be there, you go to truck checks, and everyone since.

You tell me you will only have a professional relationship with him, I find pictures of him on his Facebook page that you liked after I found out. I tell you I don't like you being friends with him on Facebook, you tell me it's only social media, but finally delete him days later. But don't delete him on other social media accounts till I find out a month later.

I bring up relationship talks, you get defensive, you never bring up a single relationship talk.

I schedule counseling. You tell me if their gonna upset me you'll stop going.

I try and schedule alone time with you, you schedule nights out with your academy friends.

I read as much relationship material as I can, try and understand how to recover from an A, how to express your love, etc. You read paragraphs that I text you, but still no dialogue.

if I don't snuggle with you, we don't touch, if I don't initiate intamicy we don't touch.

You have done a lot that I've asked for, but I'm tired of asking. I'm tired of feeling like I need to do everything I know to do to save our marriage, while you only do what I specifically ask for. I'm tired of you seeing your affair partner, you never telling me when you do or what has been said between you two, and I'm trying to pretend that I'm ok with it.

I tried giving you options that I would be ok with, see if he will move stations, he says he is planning on it, but you won't ask him when.

I am done trying to do everything I can to save our marriage. I'm done with trying to be ok with you being around him, because I don't you to be mad at me for having to quit... What, it was you who chose to have an affair with someone at the station, why are you going to resent me? Your choices, your consequences.

I will be moving out of the house at the end of July. If the house is in the market, I will help pay the mortgage until it's sold, if it's not, you'll need to figure out how to pay the mortgage by then. I am going to need my check to secure housing and furniture, etc. I will continue to pay 1/2 of all credit card bills minimum payments.
_________________________________________

I'm pretty sure she saw this email, it was my thoughts, and i was planning on talking to her about my wants without the last paragraph.


Ginger, at this point I don't think it would be horrible for her to read my threads, but it would be like letting her read my diary, so not something I plan on sharing.

Si, I agree, letter was a big step and changed my mind on laying out my wants as I had planned, although I will figure out what I would want the most and share them with her. I don't expect her to mind read.