It sounds to me like you have a wife who is confused about what she wants, but who is still in the home and wanting to spend time with you. And she went NC with the OM and switched jobs to avoid him, right?

It doesn't seem to me that taking a hardline at this point is going to be helpful.

For me, I've found that detaching has less to do with how much time I'm spending with H and more about not letting his mood dictate mine or his actions determine what I do.

It can be a subtle thing. Instead of asking if he wants to do X, I tell him I am doing X and ask if he'd like to join. If he does, we go together. If he doesn't, I go alone or with a friend or with one of the kids, and I have a great time.

If I cut my hair, I don't ask if he likes it. Because that's not important.

If he's in a bad mood, I realize it probably has nothing to do with me, and I don't try to fix it. If he wants to talk about it, I listen, and I'm sympathetic. If he doesn't, I give him space for as long as he needs.

I mess up a lot, but it feels great when I get it right, and it doesn't require anything dramatic like leaving the house while he's having dinner.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16