Lost at the moment

[Coconut]

Lfm, I second that day-um.. The fact that you allow her to talk to you about OM screams to me open marriage. I'm not saying that's bad, some people like it, but i could never.

I guess the general consensus is that for the WS to snap out of the fog, and since I saw my WW go into the fog and come back out in about a 1 month period I know it's real, there has to be some loss. Cake eating simply refers to getting the best of both worlds, getting intamicy from whomever they choose and still getting the financial support and structure the family life provides.

If your LBS fully supports the A, why end it? I suspect the finial security and comfortable family life wins out most of the time when weighed against passionate intamicy, because I suspect even the WS knows that is temporary.

We all have to find our path, so if that's the path you want to walk, you'll find support for it. but my experience was when I stood up for my boundaries was when I got the most response from my WW.

[doodler]

She still wants to do things with me and the family, but also has this thing with the OM.

Of course she wants to do things with you and the family! She has her family and a boyfriend. She's living the dream. What could be better?

It's called having your cake and eating it too.

Sorry, but something inside me feels a disturbance in the force.

[Surfer]

Coconut. That's really interesting. What made her start coming out of the fog. What loss did she suffer?

[lfm]

doodler - I totally agree with and understand you comments about cake eating. I've chosen to let that slide a bit until we get into the new house at which time I will be establishing some new boundries that I am not able to enforce in the small apartment we are currently living in.

Boundries such as needing to figure out where she is going to sleep because she can't sleep in our bed while this continues. (currently there is no where else for her to sleep other than the marital bed).

It all goes back to the patience I mentioned earlier. There's some things I have specifically chosed not to take action on because we don' want the kids to know anything at this point. Howver, I have enforced that if she wants to talk to OM that she needs to leave the apartment and have asked her to not text him if the kids are around. I can't be certain that she always follows that, but generally will leave the room the kids are in or leave the apartment if she is going to text him.

It's all a work in progress, some of which will become easier and some of which will become more challenging once the environment changes.

[Coconut]

Coconut. That's really interesting. What made her start coming out of the fog. What loss did she suffer?

I don't wanna hijack the thread, but my response apples more to lfm's sitch than yours.

In my case, my WW nvr had any intention of leaving me or D, she just found that OM filled a hole I had left. I really don't think any consequence ever crossed her mind, so when I found out about A, kicked her out of MBR immediately and based on my emotions I was either cordial or went dark (not the DB way). After about a week of that, I laid my boundary down (some would call it ultimatum) and I told her I would not be in or part of a 3 person M, and if she didn't go NC with OM (which would require quitting fire academy) I was going to start the separation and divorce process. That got her attention and she started paying attention to me. After about 3 days, I told her that I guess she had made her decision (she hadn't quit) and I was moving out in 1 1/2 weeks, she asked me if it was to D or just for space, I told her D... The next day she was pretty much out of the fog.

[doodler]

lfm,

You're a better man than I am. I'm generally a patient guy, but not for very long.

I just have this urge to find your wife's OM and...and...and talk to him real nicely. It must be the caffeine; I've had a lot of caffeine today. That's my story...

[lfm]

Believe me the same thought has crossed my mind as well. I've even driven by his house a couple of times in moments of anger, but have talked my self down from doing something I'll regret later.

[betterm]

Believe me the same thought has crossed my mind as well. I've even driven by his house a couple of times in moments of anger, but have talked my self down from doing something I'll regret later.

I too am guilty of this. I used to pack my MTN bike in my truck, and "ride past" to try and catch WW at OM's house. I don't know if they ever even hung out there together, because he's married too. But that didn't stop me from hitting the crazy train a couple times.

[Surfer]

I met up with the OM (EA only I believe) took him for a beer (a police officer) and told him I would not have to hit him (he was worried I would) as would have him fired and he would never work for that or any other force again. They went NC immediately. He then made contact again (as he had a problem and needed to talk to someone). I made it very clear that he just had a second chance he did not deserve. I explained really clearly and calmly that he needed to grow a pair and deal with his own problems - my WW is not his W, but he is becoming my problem and I will deal with that problem. They didn't make contact again. Now she has moved out they may again, but as I let her entire family know about it, so she won't. I don't advise doing any of this as it was largely as mistake. It would have been better just to pay her attention and ignore the EA but I am not sure that would have changed her from being a WW. Anyway, I am liking going dark and GAL so all fairly happy ; )

[PsySara]

AS long as this is not causing you pain and you feel this gives you insight into her, then stay the course. The thing about DBing is you do what works and throw out what doesn't work. Detachment is the name of the game and if you can remain detached then go for it.