Lost at the moment

[lfm]

Interesting turn of events last night following the text from my WW yesterday afternoon.

She was on the phone with OM when they got into an argument and he hung up on her. She's p1ssed now, and says that's it with him, that she doesn't need this and that while she has feelings for him she knows he's not good for her.

Of course I don't believe this is going to end their relationship, that it will get back on track again at some point, but these things definitely hit some of the lows that she needs to experience to get of of her fog.

Back to work and DBing - just wanted to provide that update for anyone following.

[doodler]

Ifm,

Does she talk on the phone with the OM when you're around?

[lfm]

She leaves and goes for a drive or just sits in her car typically. She was upset after it happened last night and ended up talking about what happened.

[doodler]

So she's venting to you about the OM? Does that happen often?

[lfm]

Yes, it's a weird dynamic in that she won't talk about the affair with anyone else, but will vent for me. In some ways it's been helpful becuase I don't have to speculate what's going on, but it's weird to have her tell me what's been happening and what she's thinking.

From my end of it, I'm not thinking about those conversations from the perspective of her husband, just as her friend. I've been able to detach enough to be able to do that. In some ways I think it will speed up the healing process if we ever get to the point of reconcilling as I'll already have the details I would have wanted to know/ask about.

There's a lot of things about my situation that I think are strange/unique, with this being the biggest oddity, but it has opened the lines of communication between us and we have better communication now because of this than we ever have.

[betterm]

From my end of it, I'm not thinking about those conversations from the perspective of her husband, just as her friend. I've been able to detach enough to be able to do that. In some ways I think it will speed up the healing process if we ever get to the point of reconcilling as I'll already have the details I would have wanted to know/ask about.

lfm, this is awesome. I think it's so strong of you to be able to sit and listen to her while she's talking about OM, whether it be positive, or negative things about OM. I listened (or read) a story about a woman who's H left her for another woman. He was in limerance of this OW, and he would continually talk to his LBW about how in love he was and how great this OW was. She never complained at all, so always just responded with validation and empathy, stating "I understand how you feel for her, and I'm happy for you." (being sincere, meaninful, etc, and rephrasing her validation over time.

The H ended up leaving her completely, getting his own place, and for some reason, he didn't have room for a "home office/computer/printer", so he asked LBW if it was okay if he could come by and use her's when he needed to. She agreed and for a few years, he would talk about how great things were with OW, and she did nothing but validate him. After 3-4 years (i know, this time frame is not 'promising', but...) He finally started to see the LBW for the person that he fell in love with. He saw her strength and value as a person and that love for her started to rekindle.

Long story short, the OW became the LB-OW, and LBW and WAH reconciled their M. It's a feel good story. I wish I remember where I heard it / read it, but if it comes to me I'll be sure to link the article.

The force is strong with lfm... keep it up.

[doodler]

Ifm,

More power to you if that works.

I couldn't do that.

[lfm]

It's not always easy to hear some of the things that my W tells me, but I try to look at it from the perspective that she was with other men before she met me, and yes it's different now because she's married, but trying to look at it more through that lens.

The things I've really learned from being there to listen/validate are 1) that I can't control her feelings about the OM, they come and go 2) she recognizes there is no long term future between the two of them 3) She is most definitely in an addictive state 4) There is hope for us to reconcile if I give it enough time and have enough patience to let this run it's course.

Granted, I could be wrong on #4 and I have had moments where I've thought about going ahead and filing, but I made a commitment to the MR for the rest of my life, and I intend to do everything I can to fullfil that commitment. It's definitely not easy, but feel like it keeps us connected on some level for the short term.

Thanks for the feedback guys!

[doodler]

Ifm,

I'm a nice guy; at least I think I am. I'm trying to hold back and not say anything. I'm probably wrong more often than I'm right. I think I'm open minded. I know I'm generally considerate of others. I love little baby ducks.

BUT DAY-UM...

Something inside me screams THIS AIN'T RIGHT!!!

Ok, I got it out of my system. Thank you.

[lfm]

I know it's very strange and doesn't match the "normal" profile of a WW. She still wants to do things with me and the family, but also has this thing with the OM.

I appreciate the fact that she hasn't shut me out completely because from what I've read that seems to be more normal than my situation.

And I could end up regretting that I do listen to her, validate how she's feeling and all of that. I suppose it could end up back firing on me, but for now I'll take the interaction and continue to be the best lfm I can be.