Hi Rottz, just read your post...I gotta try to get the Ellen Kriedman stuff...I havent really looked into it much, it sounds great. someone said reading your post was like holding up a mirror and I have to agree...I also have as a goal to let H know how much I admire and appreciate him...I really do and always have,and failed miserably to convey that message...obviously, OW got it across loud and clear...so, Now I'm trying to make up for lost time. One word of caution though: take it slowly...My H thinks I'm lying/putting him on sometimes because evidently it's such a change to express this to him. I also am working on trying to look at things H says differently. He really is a bright guy with an amazing amount of knowledge about many many subjects....yet he said I always made him feel dumb (???? I never meant to!). So now I just listen with interest, ask questions, and sometimes i say things like "that's amazing...how do you know all that?" I've also tried to change my perception of things that he says being an effort on his part to be controlling/patronizing...as an oldest, I REALLY don't like anybody telling me what to do...and am quick to react to things as being intended that way...for example, H has this habit of telling me my car is about out of gas....used to drive me up the wall, I would even roll my eyes at him, I used to think to myself "I don't need him to be my father"....one day in all this mess, it dawned on me that perhaps it was his effort to be helpful rather than controlling...I decided to look at it that way, and now when he tells me that instead of being angry and rolling my eyes, I say something like "yeah, thanks for reminding me"...and now I'm starting to find myself automatically looking at other things this way, and I honestly think it's kind of helping change the dynamics of our R.... As for ILY's, that's a toughy for me sometimes....honestly I think every sitch is somewhat different. I my case, I hvent stopped saying ILY, and I think it would be counter productive to not say it because H believed I DIDN'T love him....I even asked him about it once, and he said "no, I don't want to not hear you say I love you" (nothing like a triple negative to make a point!)....I don have to be careful though, because like everything else in my life, I can over do it, and I find I get anxious if H doesnt return the ILY's, so, I try to make sure I don't say it more than 1 or 2 X/day.
