Sorry to hear about your weekend. My Sunday night was kind of a headspinner too (I'll post laster). I'm still catching up on your posts while replying.
Quote: I just had to get nasty, I couldn't keep my PMA up any longer. What a lousy DBer I was.
I don't think I need to break out the 2x4 on you, it sounds like you know you slipped. What we are doing is hard. It's hard to let things go all the time, it's hard to not be able to express ourselves fully when we don't feel we're getting our needs met. But try not to let things run away from you. You are the only one who can control your behavior. I hope I'm not being hard on you, I don't mean to, I think you've been do a super job at DBing over all.
Quote: I'm just in this trap all day of old behavior and I don't know how to stop.
Just stop, I know you can, you've done it a hundred time by now.
Quote: He says he wants me there and I should know I am always invited.
Repeat aloud to self, "I am always invited, I am always invited,..."
Your goals look really good, very clear and explicit (and I love the multi color layout! I'm also very impressed that you are developing positive strategies for yourself if the goals aren't met. VERY good!
Thanks for posting Bridget, author of one of my very favorite teaching threads.
Yes, I read music. I used to be in the Worcester Symphony as a child playing violin. I write songs, but only lyrics. I have taken many music theory classes, but can't really apply it. I suppose I could if I took the time and practiced. I sometimes come up with a little bit of a brainstorm while strumming my guitar. But, like I said, it's been YEARS. I can't even remember the chords I used to know. I will have to start over from scratch, but hopefully it will come more quickly this time.
Thanks so much for the encouragement. I really appreciate it coming from you.
Renew, here's for you. As usual, I appreciate your visit very much. Somehow I feel complete after a visit from you.
So, I'm sitting there taking my test last night. I sit right in front of the professor. He grades each student's exam before they leave. I watch as he writes "F", "F", "D", "C", "F" on the tests and everyone is leaving. I am usually one of the first to leave, but it takes me the whole time. H hadn't even once told me good luck, and he always does that. It's a half hour to the end of the class when suddenly, I notice my phone has a message on it. H has text'd me with "Luck" written about 50 times. I get a huge smile, finish my test, and stay for my grade - an 86. Not the best grade I have done, but boy was it a tough exam. Phew. My H is the best! I want his love back, he is the most wonderful man in the whole world. (Sorry guys, just stating facts-you all can be second best...)
So, back to the DB grind today.
I am listening to Ellen Kreidman's tape "Light His Fire." Nitaf suggested it, and I have to say, she is right. I bought mine on eBay for $15 - 6 tapes, and it is well worth the price just from the first tape. She goes into cheeseless tunnels and such. Now we are on the male ego and how men like to be adored.
I realized while listening how many times my H tells me something and I say "I know" rather than be appreciative of his knowledge. My new personal goal is to show him how much I admire and adore him. I do tend to be a know-it-all, and that can't be attractive. Not to mention that he must feel as if there is nothing new he can teach me. It's always been a pet peeve with me because I have a need to prove how smart I am. I guess it was my way of finding my self esteem as a child and I never outgrew the adolescence of it.
It is going to be very hard. Do any of you have anything that absolutely irks you and you want to get rid of? It's not going to be easy, but I will do it.
Next time he says something to me I will just say "oh, wow, I can't believe that." Instead of "I KNOW!" with an angry look on my face.
QUESTION: Any good DBer knows they are not to say ILY. I believe if I did say it, he would feel pressure. He's not ready yet. However, this tape I am listening to has a homework assignment. You are to go home, even if you don't feel it, and tell your H "I am so glad I met you. You are such a wonderful man, ILY. I know I have focused on the negative in the past, but I promise if you give me your trust, I will begin to focus on all the good things I love about you because I love you for who you are and nothing else."
I want to say a modified version of this to my H. I think it's a bad idea because I don't want to put pressure on him and say ILY. However, I think it's a good idea because H did have an EA with OW that I swear, even if he hasn't been able to articulate the reason for it, is because he doesn't feel appreciated and adored by me. He has said that he is "done being impressed with me." And he has told me several times he thinks I am the smartest, etc. etc... person he has even known. So, perhaps if I take myself down a peg in my actions to him (listening to him when he tells me things and letting him teach me things even if I alredy know it) and couple that with verbalizing how I feel about him. (Because I really do adore him and think he is the cat's meow)
How about it guys? Do you think this is a no-no in DB-land? Or do you think in my sitch it may come out right?
Depending on how our R starts to turn, I feel as if he is in a real comfortable place with me right now. I may order the "Light Her Fire" tapes and give them to him to listen to. (I'd ask first, of course, if he wanted to listen) I feel in this point as if he has opened his heart to the possibility of loving me again, and now all I need to do is not mess up.
I think you have a very good idea. I have never been convinced that saying ILY is all bad. After all, how else will he know you think he's the cat's meow??? Like you said, take it down a notch. Good luck!!
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Yeah, I know it against DB principles to say ILY, and we all say we slipped when we say it, but I think there are contexts in which it is ok, I think there are ways of saying it which change the impact. For example, there's a huge difference between a whiny begging hurting focused on the spouse ILY, and a confident complimentary subliminally slipped into the stream of conversation ILY.
I try to avoid saying ILY, but I've slipped several times, and I've also found myself hedging the phrase or saying it in other ways instead...
When something about her really shines, I'll say... "I love that about you."
In reply to her asking whether I am angry at her about what she's doing... "No, I'm not angry, I've told you already how I feel about you." (a few times, when pressed to say how I feel, an ILY has slipped out as part of my explanation)
hey rotz - my goodness, reading your last post is like holding a mirror up. i've been wondering lately if my H's A had to do with his need to prove he is better that I have given him credit for - I have the same problem of not being amazed and adoring enough.
despite dbing my heart out, i have also figured out that in my case, my H definitely needs to hear ILY from me - this is a 180 for me
I'm also very impressed that you are developing positive strategies for yourself if the goals aren't met. VERY good! 
