What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[sandi2]

I see how you could suspect her of finding your thread.  Seems she hit a lot of highlights of your complaints.  

Let me just say this, Coconut.  If I had not already been here on this board when I ended my A, I am not at all certain that I would have known what was expected of me (regarding reconciliation).  However, I had the LBH's telling me what my H was feeling (b/c my H wasn't talking about his feelings) and telling me what I needed to do for him.  Remember, I was not remorseful, and  I did not apologize.  I just made a decision to do the right thing and stay in my M.  My resentment and disrespect was still there in my heart. It took a long time before I could genuinely apologize to my H.  If I had not had a few people teaching me about transparency and how important it was to earning trust and healing the MR, I doubt I would have done it.  My H did not request I do it, but I learned a few new tools from the board, so I volunteered to do it.  Experientially, I learned it probably helped me just as much as it did my H. 

My point is that you have been the one here getting all this DB information.  Where do you think you'd be in your MR if you had never joined the board?  I remember when you were just going to shuck it off and act as if nothing ever happened.  Then you'd swing the other way and want to dump your W and find someone new............and even told us about the new woman you had met. Oh, and remember how your sex interest went from nothing to "wanting to seal the deal"?  That is all you could rhink about, until you finally had sex. Then, you start thinking about exposing the A/OM on the FF website. You just wouldn't let it go until you finally did it.

You started the last thread by telling us how positive everything was going, even saying that now you & W are having a lot of intimacy.  Then your mood changes and you get more angry b/c she hasn't suffered consequences...and she's not working hard enough...and you are going to tell her you are out of there in a month if she can't produce enough of whatever.....b/c you don't even know what you want her to do.  The only thing you can point at is the FF.  

Well, I can understand her frustration, and I understand her feeling as if she's a child.  I certainly understand a lot of what she must be going through emotionally.  But here's the real kicker, Coconut, and she hit it square on the head when she said she feels she has to protect/provide for herself b/c she can't count on you to be there for her in the future.  In other words, she is saying she felt she had to go on and make a future for herself, find her own happiness, fill her life with something meaningful........b/c her H wasn't there for her.  

She was vulnerable for an affair, and so was I.  It was still wrong.  We have to own our wrongs.  It sounds as if that's what she is trying to do in this letter.  She has apologized, repeatedly.  Perhaps you have not seen the response you want to see, IDK.  You are hurt and you want her to suffer, and right now, you seem to think she hasn't had any consequences.  However, some of those were bypassed b/c of you, and some b/c she was willing to stay in the MR and work to save it.  

I told you once before that I didn't think she would stop the FF, and I still don't think she will stop.  If you decide to leave b/c of it, then I think you need to prepare to divorce.  I'm just saying that she's not going to stop FF.  So, it is your choice to stay or leave the M.  Just don't do it believing she will end her FF for you.  

You have acted on your emotions and then you would have to back up when you saw you messed up. I have seen this thought of leaving her spinning around in your head, just like the exposure was doing. Please, don't do something out of your anger. I think you will regret it, of you do.