Hmmm, hadn't thought about this... Not really goals, but some thinking out of the situation here...
Quote: What goals will you set if he agrees to all of them? A couple of them? None of them?
1. When we are doing something together...Make eye contact once in a while... If he does this, I will feel welcome and be happy. This will make him glad to be with me and I will be fun to be with. When I am in a good mood, he absolutely loves it and would rather be nowhere else than with me-we really are best friends. We are so similar... If he doesn't do this, I will try to stay up in my PMA. I will attempt to remember that he said to me in **words** that he wants me around and try to remember those words. It will be more difficult, but I will try to be happy and fun to be around. When I am happy and fun, I know he wants to be with me, and I like myself more. 2. When we are having a party or around friends, an occasional recognition of me...would be greatly appreciated. If he does this, I will be more likely to have more parties, which he loves. If we have more parties and he makes me feel included, I will, as above, be happy and fun to be around If he doesn't, I will try planning more parties and asking him for what I want. i.e. H, can you come in the kitchen and help me pour drinks? I did this last party - he has a blender drink he loves to make, and I complimented him - "everyone loves those drinks, can you make them? I can't make them as good." It worked. He made them, everyone loved them, and I was happy with the help. 3. Support me in what I attempt to do If he does this, I will do more things that he loves to see me do. He lamented to me that he will never hear me play my guitar or sing for him because I don't feel like I can. I don't because I am very out of practice. I want to, but am so afraid of being judged. If he supports me, I will not feel judged. You can't feel like someone is supporting you and judging you at the same time. I will most likely reward him by giving him more of me. If he doesn't, I will go out and do these things on my own and then try to introduce it to him and see how he reacts. I'm an artist and I feel that sharing my arts is sharing my soul. If he doesn't support me, I feel rejected and less likely to open myself to the hurt it entails when I share. However, he will never really know who I am if I don't share myself, so I will try to open first if he doesn't make the first effort by supporting me. 4. I’d like some constructive criticism and some encouragement. If he does this, again, I will feel supported and loved and will more likely do those things I want to do. Just the thought of him doing the things I have asked him to do has made me feel better and as soon as I sent him the letter by email, I began looking in the phone book for guitar lessons to brush up with (haven't played in 10 years) and dance lessons (20 years). If he doesn't encourage me, I will be disheartened, but I will try to find the strength in myself to do it on my own and learn not to need anyone else for support. I want him to be a part of my life, but I can't force him. I do have to live my own life the way I want to, and I will have to do these things on my own without him if he doesn't want to be a part of it. However, I will make sure he always knows he is invited to join me. Life is so much more enjoyable with him by my side. I think he feels the same and likes me being with him when he does things he likes. I would very much like him to be there to watch me or listen to my play or sing. 5. ...don’t feel like you are putting too much work on me if you stay late at work and don’t do dishes (or whatever) when you come home late... If he does this, I will be happy and less likely to feel hurt and rejected. When he says thank you for something I do, I feel like my gift has been accepted and appreciated. When he says something along the lines of "I (meaning him) am not doing enough around here, I feel useless" I feel like all my effort and love that goes into doing things (acts of service) for him has been rejected as not good enough. I feel down and hurt. If he allows me to do nice things for him, I will be happier all around and more likely to do things for him. (When I am happier, I clean faster and don't procrastinate, which means more done in less time.) In turn, there will be less to do so when he comes home, he won't feel like there is too much to do and no time. This means that there will be more time for fun stuff, and time for each other and our marriage. If he doesn't do this, I will try something different. Perhaps a chore each week that is his and his alone. I understand that he has a need to feel like he is doing something around the house. I appreciate the fact that he is this type of man, rather than one that would rather sit on the couch drinking beer and scratching himself. He is a hard worker, although both of us are procrastinators. He is always there for me when I need him, and helps out around the house when he has time. When we have company coming, we split the chores 50-50. I'm really very lucky to have a helpful partner. I just will need to find a way for him to feel like he is contributing to the house without taking away from his relaxation time. When he comes home and can relax rather than work, he is more likely to smile at me, cuddle with me, hug me, appreciate me. This raises my PMA and makes me happier, which is a huge cycle. When I'm happy, he's happy, etc etc. This leads to progress in the work we are doing on our marriage. 6. Put your clothes in the laundry basket. If he does this, I will simply be very happy. This is a small thing, just an annoyance for me. If he doesn't do this, I will stop complaining. As my dad said, if he doesn't put them in the basket, and I pick them up, it's my problem, not his. It's my choice to keep supporting this behavior.
