Maybell 39: I'm Too Old For This

[Maybell]

Saw this on Mozza's thread from my buddy Raliced and wanted to comment...

I'm sorry you felt shaken by this revelation - but I can't say I'm surprised. Like most things that involve humans, I suppose there is a range of the time needed to heal from such a primal rejection, but I'm sure that for many it is a pretty significant length of time. And there are some, like you, who seem to be able to work on it, while still dating other people - and I admire that. Personally, I'm quite sure that if I tried to date now, it would be more about trying to prove something to my bruised ego instead of enhancing my life - so I think it's wiser for me to wait.

This is something my New Guy and I discuss fairly regularly. Unlike some here I've moved to finding Mr. Fantastic fairly repulsive. Aside from his behavior, he slouches, his hair is thinning enormously but he still grows it long, and he dresses like a hipster. When I see him I'm not at all attracted, but I do feel a disturbing amount of anger.

When I was in the depths of the break up either Betsey or Labug suggested I wasn't so much hurt by him leaving as angry that he left first (before I could). At the time I was pretty indignant but the truth is I recognized that the marriage was sucking for a long, long time before I learned of his cheating. The difference is that I was split between trying to salvage the relationship and facing the truth that he was incapable of engaging. At least with me. once I faced that truth, it was a lot easier to begin healing from the destruction of the marriage. A lot of my emotion since is anger over the disruption in my & the kids' lives and the weight I'm carrying while he goes off to be Mr. Fantastic.

My New Guy has said he feels like he had lessons to learn in the long stretch of time he's been alone. I've said that I worry I met him too soon after the split (19 months after Mr. F moved out, three months after D was final) and his perspective was, either I would have been in a different R that caused damage of its own, or I would have been alone longer and not had the opportunity to learn areas where I still need to heal that have been made apparent by our current relationship. I believe he is right -- that the mistakes, while painful, can be useful, and the space is only healing up to a point. as long as we're not doing what Raliced is concerned about, then we can grow, even when the outcomes aren't awesome.

Of course I say all this in the afterglow of an absolutely amazing vacation with someone who is patient and generous beyond my deserts. If he & I break up you can be sure I'll come here crying in my beer harder than anyone.

BTW, when Mr. Fantastic first moved out, one of my close friends, whose parents divorced when she was 9, said her mother met the Love of Her Life three months after the divorce -- and they're still very happily married 40 years later. So I don't think hard & fast rules apply.