Up until now, I haven't been asking for what I want because DR says not to ask if you are close to D. We were very close to D, with the papers even drawn up by me. But, I must be feeling pretty insecure because I don't think we are close to D now. Unless I keep doing old behaviors, anyway.
So, I wrote him a letter detailing (Briefly - so I can keep his attention) why I felt the way I did over the weekend (using "I" statements so as not to place blame) and I asked for 6 things. Perhaps it's a lot to ask for right off the bat, maybe I should have asked for less.
Here's the end of my letter...
What I am about to do is a new behavior for me. I am going to ask you for what I want. It’s something I want to do from now on. You are not a mind reader, and all this hurt we feel would stop if we began asking each other for what we want rather then wait for the other to figure it out on their own.
I am asking you for the following changes, and I would very much like it if it would happen.
1. When we are doing something together, please act like we are together. Make eye contact once in a while, it will go a long way to make me feel wanted. When I feel wanted, you will have to make less effort to “invite” me along, and we will both have a good time together. No more hurt or feeling left out on my part. 2. When we are having a party or around friends, an occasional recognition of me, that I am alive would be greatly appreciated. An occasional hug, thank you, smile in passing, anything to make me feel like you know I am around and we are part of a team. You don’t have to go out of your way to come in and see me, but when I am in the kitchen and you have to pee, for example, how about a smile or pat on my shoulder to say good job, I recognize you are there? 3. Support me in what I attempt to do and I will feel like I can do more. All I’m asking is for you to make me feel like I have your support. Take kenpo for example. Please, let’s have at least one lesson a week. I have felt so many times lately like I am ready to join your class, but then we skip a week or two and I get rusty and feel like that wall has gone back up and I am unable to proceed. 4. I’d like some constructive criticism and some encouragement. I want very much to do dance again and guitar again and sing-and the kenpo. I need your support and encouragement in order to be able to do those things. I need to feel like you are interested in me and the things I love. I want very much to share them with you. Help me to make time. When you have a night where you are home early, maybe help with the dishes and say “hey, why don’t you go practice your guitar?” Relieve me of my work duties, so I can feel like I have a moment to myself to do things I want to do. 5. On that note, don’t feel like you are putting too much work on me if you stay late at work and don’t do dishes (or whatever) when you come home late. I don’t expect you to come home after working 12 hours and do more work. I wouldn’t want to myself. I feel good when I can help you relax and feel like you have a home you enjoy coming home to. Not just because dinner is ready and it’s clean, but because I am there and you want to be with me. You appreciate me. Just say “thank you” and maybe give me a hug. That’s all I need on those nights. I really feel good when I can do things for you. You feel good when you make me happy, right? Well, I feel the same and it hurts when you think you aren’t doing enough. There’s a big difference in you not doing anything on a Saturday and you not doing anything on a Wednesday evening when you get home at 8 after working all day and stressing. 6. Put your clothes in the laundry basket. Every morning I pick up your underwear besides the basket instead of in it, or else I pick up MJ’s clothes. It’s always one of you two. If I don’t do it, Zen eats them. We can’t afford to throw good clothes away.
So, did I do good? I tried asking for action things and telling him exactly what I need. I hope it works.
