What a roller coaster weekend. I had some really great things happen, and some really lousy things.
First off, we had a wonderful Friday. I took a half day from work, and H and SS14 waited for me to get home. We went on a few hour bike ride through a local state park and it was really nice. H kept saying how nice it was and how much he was enjoying himself.
H and I were a bit on edge Friday afternoon. I just had to get nasty, I couldn't keep my PMA up any longer. What a lousy DBer I was. I was sad all afternoon and H said everytime he looked at me, he felt I was putting on a smile for his sake. He asked what was wrong, but I was feeling sorry for myself because I felt he didn't really care what I was feeling. Finally, it all blew up and he was angry because I wouldn't tell him. Somehow we got on the topic of EA with OW. Rehashed some old stuff, and asked him WHY!?! He said he didn't know why, but he was embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it. I asked if she knew about me, and he said yes. I asked if he told her that I was a b**ch and we were divorcing. He said no. I asked how she could date a married man like that then, and he said "we weren't dating. It was just flirting at work." So, I asked again, WHY? He said, "I don't know, I can't explain it. It's like she was filling a need in me that I didn't have when you and I met." I asked if it was because he felt he was "better" than her (education, job level, etc) and he said he just didn't know. It sounded like I hit the nail on the head, though. She just adored him, and he didn't have to be anything special for her.
We got into how he feels that I am so sophisticated and well traveled, and he just isn't. We both admitted to trying to be better than each other, and he said, "maybe I just am not impressed with being impressed anymore."
It's hard because he makes me feel so stupid sometimes and I guess I do the same for him. So, in our R, despite the fact that I love him the way he is, and I presume he feels the same about me, we are performing for each other. It's so hard, I realized I am so afraid that he won't like me for who I am. It's hard to drop the wall I have around me.
I want to, I want this man to know who I am inside, but I am so very afraid. What do I do?
Saturday, he was down. Presumably because we had had a R talk the night before. He was feeling that he wasn't helping out around the house, that I was doing it all. I have been, but I wanted him to feel like I was helping him, not lower his esteem. We went out driving around and he test drove some motorcycles. That brought him out of his mood, and he said he had a great day. He thanked me for taking him out and bringing his mood around.
Sunday we woke up and ML. He was great, holding me, looking in my eyes, touching me, smiling. We started off having such a wonderful day. I don't know what happened. We went to my dad's house for an hour to visit, then to his mom's house. We ate a snack there. Then, the children went outside, H went to his brother's house (he lives in an attached in law apartment) to play video games, and MIL and FIL went out to the garage to clean. I was left in the living room alone. I read a daily dog calendar MIL had just given me, getting more frustrated all the time. I finally just got up and left, going home to play with my dogs and do some chores. I was feeling very left out and unwanted. Figured I could go home, and sneak back to MIL's and no one would even know I was gone. I just wanted to cry. Everything had gone so well all morning, with H touching me, smiling at me, feeling very close. Then he just abandons me, along with everyone else.
Halfway home, I decide to let H know where I went. I text'd him, and he text'd me back. Sounded upset, asked why I just didn't come over to his brother's apt. I said because they had gone in and shut door, and he said because brother was smoking. I said they hadn't asked me to go, and he said that I was always invited wherever he was. I said that I was a guest in their house, and he should have asked. Went back and forth, and he finally said "hope you have a good time with dogs, but I wish you were here."
By now, I was very pouty. Old behavior, but I don't know how to feel otherwise. Or how to act otherwise. When I am being ignored, I feel sorry for myself. This time, I thought I would take charge and go do something I wanted to do, avoiding the feeling sorry for myself trap, and then my H makes me feel guilty for leaving. Not to mention, of the two choices, I would much rather have known I was invited to spend the day with him. We were getting along so well, I really just wanted to be with him.
So, when he text'd me that he wanted me there, I hurried up and finished and returned to MIL's house. I was so excited, I drove 90+ MPH to get there as quick as possible. Got there, and felt like I didn't belong again, so I text'd him "I'm here for when you want to bring the children home." He came out and spent time with me. Said he felt bad that I had text'd him that. I feel like crying the whole time because I just don't feel like I belong and I want to so badly. Later, he has a silly CD in the stereo and I ask to dance with him. He holds my hand and dances with me. We have a great time, but he finally seems uncomfortable and stops. It was heaven while it lasted, though.
Then, they decide to play croquet (sp?) and I've never played before. One of my H's favorite games. Everyone leaves me and his D9 behind in the dust, and they keep skipping my turn or moving my ball and I get frustrated and quit the game. Old behvaior. I'm just in this trap all day of old behavior and I don't know how to stop. It's all going back to me feeling ignored and like I don't belong. H is on his cell phone to a friend, and not paying any attention to me. I feel like I am not wanted there, and I just quit. I really don't want to. What I want is for H to come over and put his arms around me and say "I like playing with you, it doesn't matter if you are good, I just like having you here." Just one time, I want to feel like he is happy to have me there. He keeps saying that he wants me there, he likes having me, but he isn't communicating it to me in a language I understand, and it makes me feel so badly. I want to cry and cry and cry, I feel unloved and unwanted, like a burden on his family.
Later, we go home and have another R talk. He says he wants me there and I should know I am always invited. I say that it's rude to assume and invite yourself. He says that he will try to invite me, but sometimes he will forget and then I will be left out. This makes me sad that he feels like this.
I don't know why he can't understand all I need is to feel like I am wanted and it will change me. All I need is for a few times to have him come and hold me or make eye contact across the lawn, like he used to. Not to totally ignore me when I am there. He used to wink at me, or touch me on the way by, anything at all to make me feel like I was special and wanted. Now, he talks on his cell phone and ignores me. I understand his friend needs him and his children need him, but I need him also.
It must be very hard for him to be so needed. I don't want to be an emotional burden on him. I want to make his life easier.
I feel like such a b**ch. He came out of his brother's apt excited. We play this golf game on PS2. I haven't been able to play because he has been playing by himself (against the game to win more money) or with his S14. I felt left out (again) because I am never invited to play. They have left me in the dust with their abilities by now. He came out to talk to me all excited saying that he found out we can play 3 player, so I can play. I feel like crying again. I am an emotional mess all weekend, I don't want to be like this. I feel like his S14 needs time alone with daddy, and even if I did play, they would destroy me and I would never get better. (In this game, the more money you make, the more "attributes" you can buy, which makes you play better. But, you obviously have to be good to win the game, which means that I will never win or get better since they are so far advanced from me.) I have to have time to play on my own in order to get better. H says that if it was important to me, I would find time. But, when can I find when all I do is work at work and work at home to try to make H's life more comfortable? I don't even have time to go to the gym anymore because I am constantly picking up the messes his S14 leaves all around, and cooking for the family, etc. I literally work from the minute I get up in the a.m. to when I go to bed at night. I want to be able to play, but if I do, who does the work? Certainly not H or his S14. H is working much overtime, and that's understandable, but his S14 leaves huge messes around and I feel like a slave right now. He is supposed to do an hour of cleaning a week, but it's more like me supervising him complaining about how unfair it is.
So, we end our Sunday night R talk by saying we each understand the other's point of view and cuddling. Woke up this a.m. very late, but ML twice. He doesn't make eye contact, but he does touch me and hold me. No time for breakfast, so I make a quick shake for him and pack some leftovers for lunch and snacks. He hugs me goodbye. Not as close as we were on Friday morning or Saturday morning. I feel like the backslides cost me and I still don't know how to overcome the old behavior. I need to get past this and not do it again, it hurts H and it hurts me deeply. I had told H he was hurting me badly and he said to me that I was hurting him also. I don't want that to continue. But I feel like I am at an impasse. Not only have I not felt wanted for a while, but H hasn't told me he loves me for so long. How on earth am I supposed to feel like I belong when I am not loved? He used to cherish me and at the end of our old R (just prior to the bomb) I felt like he didn't want me around. That was back when he still said ILY and stuff, so now, with this mess, he just expects me to assume I am wanted and belong. HOW? I just feel like crying this morning. I am so hurting, I don't think he knows how much it hurts and how easy it would be to fix me.
