What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[Coconut]

well, I just received a two page email from my W... makes me wonder if she somehow found this site. I did not see this coming and now I need a little bit of time to really read it and understand what she is saying. Here's the email.

I’ve been trying to find the best way to express my feelings to you about this whole situation. I want you to know how very sorry I am and how embarrassed I am about my actions. While the past 2 years have left me feeling like I we were roommates, I never thought that I would allow myself to be emotionally, let alone physically involved with anyone else. From the moment I said “I do”, you were my forever, my person, my partner. I don’t know where we went wrong as a couple because I always thought that we had such a great relationship…a relationship that others were envious of. However, somewhere along the line our relationship went from love to friendship.

I do think that the start of our troubles happened when I found out that we couldn’t have children together. I wanted nothing more than to have a baby….babies with you and when I found out that I couldn’t I died a little inside. I felt like a failure. I didn’t feel like a complete woman. I tried to bring up adoption with you and/or using an egg donor but I felt like you were not open to the idea or even open to talking about the idea which was devastating to me. I didn’t feel supported by you and from the comments that you’ve made recently, I feel like you were not honest with me about your true feelings on not being able to have a biological child. I felt defeated by not being able to have another child and defeated by not feeling like I could talk to you about other options. This is something that makes me sad and a little angry to this day. I’ve not been able to close that book.

After we bought our new house, I thought we were going to make a fresh start. I thought things would be great. We had a new house in a family oriented neighborhood, S could make new friends and we could really build a life for ourselves. However, you went into your depression stage and things went downhill. I feel like I knew deep down that you were depressed and to be honest I didn’t know what to do to help you. I thought that I was being supportive and trying to get you out of your rut but I realize now that I didn’t try hard enough. That I should have sat you down and told you straight that your behavior is affecting our relationship and my feelings for you. I didn’t do that and I realize now that it needed to be done. I’m sorry that I didn’t try harder. I’m sorry that I didn’t call you out on your behavior and I’m sorry for not telling you how angry I was at you for it.

Fast forward to my major screw up; I can’t say I’m sorry enough. It kills me to know how badly I hurt you and I will always regret my actions. I know that you feel like I don’t try hard enough and I want to choose the Fire Department over you but that’s not true. For the last 16 years, I have dedicated my life to raising S. I know that this is a sore subject for you and I’m sorry for that but there’s no other love that can take the place of a mother’s love. You are the love of my life and my partner but he is my son and he has to come first. Next to him, you are the most important person in my life and I don’t want to live life without you. That being said, I have found something that I’m very passionate about and something that will help me deal when my baby boy leaves me for college. I have a hard time trusting that you will be there for me and fill that void because you weren’t there for me (as I wanted you to be) after my diagnosis and you haven’t really been there for me over the last 1 ½ to 2 years. It’s not about choosing you over the Department. It’s about choosing me, protecting me because I feel like I have to because I don’t know if I can count on you going forward. I realize that part of our rocky relationship is due to my screw up and now we are in a bad situation because of what I’ve done but the feeling of being alone in this relationship has been with me for years and I’ve just dealt with it.

You are asking me to give up something that I love and will help me when Son leaves because of my screw up and I know that but there are no guarantees that we will work out. There is nothing stopping you from leaving me tomorrow but I will always have a safe place with the Department and people that have been very supportive to me there. I know you hate that place but they are very much a family and I feel like I belong there. It gives me a safe place and I feel like I’m doing something good, something that I am proud of and something that makes son proud of me. I feel like I am being a good role model and example for him by being part of the Department. Asking me to give it up is asking me to give up my safe place and everything that the Department stands for.

I hate that it upsets you that he is at the station. I promise you that I do everything to avoid him. I want to get though the Academy and graduate and then I have every intention of asking my Captain if there’s any way that I can transfer to another station and what that process is. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable but I don’t want to give up being a part of this amazing opportunity either. I’m sorry that you don’t feel like I have done everything I need to do to make amends for my actions and I want to try to do better. I do come home straight from the station now unless I’m picking son up or I get food and if I deviate from going straight home, I text you to let you know. We live a minute from the house so I didn’t think it was necessary to text you when I get out because my focus is on getting home so you don’t have to worry and I get home so quickly. If it makes you feel better I will also text you as I’m leaving. I will also try to limit my social media usage while we are together so that I can focus on spending quality time with you and rebuilding our relationship. I apologize for not placing the same importance or at least understanding the importance from your perspective of deleting him from my Instagram account or FB page.

You may not see it but I am really trying. Although I know that I need to agree to certain terms, it is difficult for me to feel like I’m losing my independence. Being accountable for my every action makes me feel like I’m a child again and it’s very difficult and frustrating for me. Again, I understand that it’s because of what I’ve done but it doesn’t make it any easier to feel like a child or like I am under house arrest so I’m sorry that I haven’t lived up to your expectations of how I should be acting during this time and I will try to do better. I love you and I am truly sorry for the hurt I have caused you. I hope we can try to move forward from here.