Rotts, I am so down today. I can not stop crying. I just feel like H is never coming home. I just want to end it . I am tired of being in limbo. He went to a home financing seminar today.I just want the pain to end. How can someone that you love and claims to love you not have any consideration for your pain? I don't show him my emotions but he knows I am hurting. I want to have R talk but I know it won't help. I am so tired of not knowing. It seems like it would just be so much easier just to let go and move on and he can have his wish. I can't watch tv or listen to the radio without being in pain. When does it end? Is he hurting or is it just me? I am lonely for compaionship. I just want to take off my ring and go and meet someone but I know that won't help.
What a roller coaster weekend. I had some really great things happen, and some really lousy things.
First off, we had a wonderful Friday. I took a half day from work, and H and SS14 waited for me to get home. We went on a few hour bike ride through a local state park and it was really nice. H kept saying how nice it was and how much he was enjoying himself.
H and I were a bit on edge Friday afternoon. I just had to get nasty, I couldn't keep my PMA up any longer. What a lousy DBer I was. I was sad all afternoon and H said everytime he looked at me, he felt I was putting on a smile for his sake. He asked what was wrong, but I was feeling sorry for myself because I felt he didn't really care what I was feeling. Finally, it all blew up and he was angry because I wouldn't tell him. Somehow we got on the topic of EA with OW. Rehashed some old stuff, and asked him WHY!?! He said he didn't know why, but he was embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it. I asked if she knew about me, and he said yes. I asked if he told her that I was a b**ch and we were divorcing. He said no. I asked how she could date a married man like that then, and he said "we weren't dating. It was just flirting at work." So, I asked again, WHY? He said, "I don't know, I can't explain it. It's like she was filling a need in me that I didn't have when you and I met." I asked if it was because he felt he was "better" than her (education, job level, etc) and he said he just didn't know. It sounded like I hit the nail on the head, though. She just adored him, and he didn't have to be anything special for her.
We got into how he feels that I am so sophisticated and well traveled, and he just isn't. We both admitted to trying to be better than each other, and he said, "maybe I just am not impressed with being impressed anymore."
It's hard because he makes me feel so stupid sometimes and I guess I do the same for him. So, in our R, despite the fact that I love him the way he is, and I presume he feels the same about me, we are performing for each other. It's so hard, I realized I am so afraid that he won't like me for who I am. It's hard to drop the wall I have around me.
I want to, I want this man to know who I am inside, but I am so very afraid. What do I do?
Saturday, he was down. Presumably because we had had a R talk the night before. He was feeling that he wasn't helping out around the house, that I was doing it all. I have been, but I wanted him to feel like I was helping him, not lower his esteem. We went out driving around and he test drove some motorcycles. That brought him out of his mood, and he said he had a great day. He thanked me for taking him out and bringing his mood around.
Sunday we woke up and ML. He was great, holding me, looking in my eyes, touching me, smiling. We started off having such a wonderful day. I don't know what happened. We went to my dad's house for an hour to visit, then to his mom's house. We ate a snack there. Then, the children went outside, H went to his brother's house (he lives in an attached in law apartment) to play video games, and MIL and FIL went out to the garage to clean. I was left in the living room alone. I read a daily dog calendar MIL had just given me, getting more frustrated all the time. I finally just got up and left, going home to play with my dogs and do some chores. I was feeling very left out and unwanted. Figured I could go home, and sneak back to MIL's and no one would even know I was gone. I just wanted to cry. Everything had gone so well all morning, with H touching me, smiling at me, feeling very close. Then he just abandons me, along with everyone else.
Halfway home, I decide to let H know where I went. I text'd him, and he text'd me back. Sounded upset, asked why I just didn't come over to his brother's apt. I said because they had gone in and shut door, and he said because brother was smoking. I said they hadn't asked me to go, and he said that I was always invited wherever he was. I said that I was a guest in their house, and he should have asked. Went back and forth, and he finally said "hope you have a good time with dogs, but I wish you were here."
By now, I was very pouty. Old behavior, but I don't know how to feel otherwise. Or how to act otherwise. When I am being ignored, I feel sorry for myself. This time, I thought I would take charge and go do something I wanted to do, avoiding the feeling sorry for myself trap, and then my H makes me feel guilty for leaving. Not to mention, of the two choices, I would much rather have known I was invited to spend the day with him. We were getting along so well, I really just wanted to be with him.
So, when he text'd me that he wanted me there, I hurried up and finished and returned to MIL's house. I was so excited, I drove 90+ MPH to get there as quick as possible. Got there, and felt like I didn't belong again, so I text'd him "I'm here for when you want to bring the children home." He came out and spent time with me. Said he felt bad that I had text'd him that. I feel like crying the whole time because I just don't feel like I belong and I want to so badly. Later, he has a silly CD in the stereo and I ask to dance with him. He holds my hand and dances with me. We have a great time, but he finally seems uncomfortable and stops. It was heaven while it lasted, though.
Then, they decide to play croquet (sp?) and I've never played before. One of my H's favorite games. Everyone leaves me and his D9 behind in the dust, and they keep skipping my turn or moving my ball and I get frustrated and quit the game. Old behvaior. I'm just in this trap all day of old behavior and I don't know how to stop. It's all going back to me feeling ignored and like I don't belong. H is on his cell phone to a friend, and not paying any attention to me. I feel like I am not wanted there, and I just quit. I really don't want to. What I want is for H to come over and put his arms around me and say "I like playing with you, it doesn't matter if you are good, I just like having you here." Just one time, I want to feel like he is happy to have me there. He keeps saying that he wants me there, he likes having me, but he isn't communicating it to me in a language I understand, and it makes me feel so badly. I want to cry and cry and cry, I feel unloved and unwanted, like a burden on his family.
Later, we go home and have another R talk. He says he wants me there and I should know I am always invited. I say that it's rude to assume and invite yourself. He says that he will try to invite me, but sometimes he will forget and then I will be left out. This makes me sad that he feels like this.
I don't know why he can't understand all I need is to feel like I am wanted and it will change me. All I need is for a few times to have him come and hold me or make eye contact across the lawn, like he used to. Not to totally ignore me when I am there. He used to wink at me, or touch me on the way by, anything at all to make me feel like I was special and wanted. Now, he talks on his cell phone and ignores me. I understand his friend needs him and his children need him, but I need him also.
It must be very hard for him to be so needed. I don't want to be an emotional burden on him. I want to make his life easier.
I feel like such a b**ch. He came out of his brother's apt excited. We play this golf game on PS2. I haven't been able to play because he has been playing by himself (against the game to win more money) or with his S14. I felt left out (again) because I am never invited to play. They have left me in the dust with their abilities by now. He came out to talk to me all excited saying that he found out we can play 3 player, so I can play. I feel like crying again. I am an emotional mess all weekend, I don't want to be like this. I feel like his S14 needs time alone with daddy, and even if I did play, they would destroy me and I would never get better. (In this game, the more money you make, the more "attributes" you can buy, which makes you play better. But, you obviously have to be good to win the game, which means that I will never win or get better since they are so far advanced from me.) I have to have time to play on my own in order to get better. H says that if it was important to me, I would find time. But, when can I find when all I do is work at work and work at home to try to make H's life more comfortable? I don't even have time to go to the gym anymore because I am constantly picking up the messes his S14 leaves all around, and cooking for the family, etc. I literally work from the minute I get up in the a.m. to when I go to bed at night. I want to be able to play, but if I do, who does the work? Certainly not H or his S14. H is working much overtime, and that's understandable, but his S14 leaves huge messes around and I feel like a slave right now. He is supposed to do an hour of cleaning a week, but it's more like me supervising him complaining about how unfair it is.
So, we end our Sunday night R talk by saying we each understand the other's point of view and cuddling. Woke up this a.m. very late, but ML twice. He doesn't make eye contact, but he does touch me and hold me. No time for breakfast, so I make a quick shake for him and pack some leftovers for lunch and snacks. He hugs me goodbye. Not as close as we were on Friday morning or Saturday morning. I feel like the backslides cost me and I still don't know how to overcome the old behavior. I need to get past this and not do it again, it hurts H and it hurts me deeply. I had told H he was hurting me badly and he said to me that I was hurting him also. I don't want that to continue. But I feel like I am at an impasse. Not only have I not felt wanted for a while, but H hasn't told me he loves me for so long. How on earth am I supposed to feel like I belong when I am not loved? He used to cherish me and at the end of our old R (just prior to the bomb) I felt like he didn't want me around. That was back when he still said ILY and stuff, so now, with this mess, he just expects me to assume I am wanted and belong. HOW? I just feel like crying this morning. I am so hurting, I don't think he knows how much it hurts and how easy it would be to fix me.
Good question, how? That's something you need to think about. How? Have you told him you need displays of affection ? Did you say, H I like it when you touch me in passing, or wink or whatever? He might just need to hear that from you.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Up until now, I haven't been asking for what I want because DR says not to ask if you are close to D. We were very close to D, with the papers even drawn up by me. But, I must be feeling pretty insecure because I don't think we are close to D now. Unless I keep doing old behaviors, anyway.
So, I wrote him a letter detailing (Briefly - so I can keep his attention) why I felt the way I did over the weekend (using "I" statements so as not to place blame) and I asked for 6 things. Perhaps it's a lot to ask for right off the bat, maybe I should have asked for less.
Here's the end of my letter...
What I am about to do is a new behavior for me. I am going to ask you for what I want. It’s something I want to do from now on. You are not a mind reader, and all this hurt we feel would stop if we began asking each other for what we want rather then wait for the other to figure it out on their own.
I am asking you for the following changes, and I would very much like it if it would happen.
1. When we are doing something together, please act like we are together. Make eye contact once in a while, it will go a long way to make me feel wanted. When I feel wanted, you will have to make less effort to “invite” me along, and we will both have a good time together. No more hurt or feeling left out on my part. 2. When we are having a party or around friends, an occasional recognition of me, that I am alive would be greatly appreciated. An occasional hug, thank you, smile in passing, anything to make me feel like you know I am around and we are part of a team. You don’t have to go out of your way to come in and see me, but when I am in the kitchen and you have to pee, for example, how about a smile or pat on my shoulder to say good job, I recognize you are there? 3. Support me in what I attempt to do and I will feel like I can do more. All I’m asking is for you to make me feel like I have your support. Take kenpo for example. Please, let’s have at least one lesson a week. I have felt so many times lately like I am ready to join your class, but then we skip a week or two and I get rusty and feel like that wall has gone back up and I am unable to proceed. 4. I’d like some constructive criticism and some encouragement. I want very much to do dance again and guitar again and sing-and the kenpo. I need your support and encouragement in order to be able to do those things. I need to feel like you are interested in me and the things I love. I want very much to share them with you. Help me to make time. When you have a night where you are home early, maybe help with the dishes and say “hey, why don’t you go practice your guitar?” Relieve me of my work duties, so I can feel like I have a moment to myself to do things I want to do. 5. On that note, don’t feel like you are putting too much work on me if you stay late at work and don’t do dishes (or whatever) when you come home late. I don’t expect you to come home after working 12 hours and do more work. I wouldn’t want to myself. I feel good when I can help you relax and feel like you have a home you enjoy coming home to. Not just because dinner is ready and it’s clean, but because I am there and you want to be with me. You appreciate me. Just say “thank you” and maybe give me a hug. That’s all I need on those nights. I really feel good when I can do things for you. You feel good when you make me happy, right? Well, I feel the same and it hurts when you think you aren’t doing enough. There’s a big difference in you not doing anything on a Saturday and you not doing anything on a Wednesday evening when you get home at 8 after working all day and stressing. 6. Put your clothes in the laundry basket. Every morning I pick up your underwear besides the basket instead of in it, or else I pick up MJ’s clothes. It’s always one of you two. If I don’t do it, Zen eats them. We can’t afford to throw good clothes away.
So, did I do good? I tried asking for action things and telling him exactly what I need. I hope it works.
Hmmm, hadn't thought about this... Not really goals, but some thinking out of the situation here...
Quote: What goals will you set if he agrees to all of them? A couple of them? None of them?
1. When we are doing something together...Make eye contact once in a while... If he does this, I will feel welcome and be happy. This will make him glad to be with me and I will be fun to be with. When I am in a good mood, he absolutely loves it and would rather be nowhere else than with me-we really are best friends. We are so similar... If he doesn't do this, I will try to stay up in my PMA. I will attempt to remember that he said to me in **words** that he wants me around and try to remember those words. It will be more difficult, but I will try to be happy and fun to be around. When I am happy and fun, I know he wants to be with me, and I like myself more. 2. When we are having a party or around friends, an occasional recognition of me...would be greatly appreciated. If he does this, I will be more likely to have more parties, which he loves. If we have more parties and he makes me feel included, I will, as above, be happy and fun to be around If he doesn't, I will try planning more parties and asking him for what I want. i.e. H, can you come in the kitchen and help me pour drinks? I did this last party - he has a blender drink he loves to make, and I complimented him - "everyone loves those drinks, can you make them? I can't make them as good." It worked. He made them, everyone loved them, and I was happy with the help. 3. Support me in what I attempt to do If he does this, I will do more things that he loves to see me do. He lamented to me that he will never hear me play my guitar or sing for him because I don't feel like I can. I don't because I am very out of practice. I want to, but am so afraid of being judged. If he supports me, I will not feel judged. You can't feel like someone is supporting you and judging you at the same time. I will most likely reward him by giving him more of me. If he doesn't, I will go out and do these things on my own and then try to introduce it to him and see how he reacts. I'm an artist and I feel that sharing my arts is sharing my soul. If he doesn't support me, I feel rejected and less likely to open myself to the hurt it entails when I share. However, he will never really know who I am if I don't share myself, so I will try to open first if he doesn't make the first effort by supporting me. 4. I’d like some constructive criticism and some encouragement. If he does this, again, I will feel supported and loved and will more likely do those things I want to do. Just the thought of him doing the things I have asked him to do has made me feel better and as soon as I sent him the letter by email, I began looking in the phone book for guitar lessons to brush up with (haven't played in 10 years) and dance lessons (20 years). If he doesn't encourage me, I will be disheartened, but I will try to find the strength in myself to do it on my own and learn not to need anyone else for support. I want him to be a part of my life, but I can't force him. I do have to live my own life the way I want to, and I will have to do these things on my own without him if he doesn't want to be a part of it. However, I will make sure he always knows he is invited to join me. Life is so much more enjoyable with him by my side. I think he feels the same and likes me being with him when he does things he likes. I would very much like him to be there to watch me or listen to my play or sing. 5. ...don’t feel like you are putting too much work on me if you stay late at work and don’t do dishes (or whatever) when you come home late... If he does this, I will be happy and less likely to feel hurt and rejected. When he says thank you for something I do, I feel like my gift has been accepted and appreciated. When he says something along the lines of "I (meaning him) am not doing enough around here, I feel useless" I feel like all my effort and love that goes into doing things (acts of service) for him has been rejected as not good enough. I feel down and hurt. If he allows me to do nice things for him, I will be happier all around and more likely to do things for him. (When I am happier, I clean faster and don't procrastinate, which means more done in less time.) In turn, there will be less to do so when he comes home, he won't feel like there is too much to do and no time. This means that there will be more time for fun stuff, and time for each other and our marriage. If he doesn't do this, I will try something different. Perhaps a chore each week that is his and his alone. I understand that he has a need to feel like he is doing something around the house. I appreciate the fact that he is this type of man, rather than one that would rather sit on the couch drinking beer and scratching himself. He is a hard worker, although both of us are procrastinators. He is always there for me when I need him, and helps out around the house when he has time. When we have company coming, we split the chores 50-50. I'm really very lucky to have a helpful partner. I just will need to find a way for him to feel like he is contributing to the house without taking away from his relaxation time. When he comes home and can relax rather than work, he is more likely to smile at me, cuddle with me, hug me, appreciate me. This raises my PMA and makes me happier, which is a huge cycle. When I'm happy, he's happy, etc etc. This leads to progress in the work we are doing on our marriage. 6. Put your clothes in the laundry basket. If he does this, I will simply be very happy. This is a small thing, just an annoyance for me. If he doesn't do this, I will stop complaining. As my dad said, if he doesn't put them in the basket, and I pick them up, it's my problem, not his. It's my choice to keep supporting this behavior.
