Chapter 3. Let the detachment begin

[bigybiz]

OK - no matter how much she "teases" me with the idea of reconciling etc it's not going to happen till she thinks it is her idea and the remorse is part of it.

Sandi2 - Here are two questions from my last thread.

With the end of the school year the timing will be perfect. I don't want her back like this and if she continues to be this WW - I'll never be happy with her. D20 says her mum is a quitter.

She was married before, while being a stay at home mom she has tried all kinds of different businesses, interests, etc. None have stuck.

If she is truly quitting the MR - then it's time for me to move on.

If she is going to quit her new fascination/community/career in 3 or 5 years and come back - we will just have to see.

This she is saying is her life work and the people she is meeting etc are her people and her community and understand her, etc, etc.

The going dark is easy - that I don't have any problems with. The detaching is a process.

I'm guessing I should stick with the MC as it was my idea and he does not take any nonsense from her. That's why she quit before. So I'll stick with it - but I will not bring up reconciliation at all. Is that the right approach? I don't want to quit it because I should stick with my consistent actions right?

Please let me know Sandi2 and everyone else - please.



http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2680423#Post2680423

[SH_]

Did you check the thread I mentioned for detachment. I posted in your last thread the link.

[doodler]

bigybiz,

I'm not Sandi, although I do, on occasion, like to throw on a nice floral dress and some pumps and maybe a touch of makeup. But I digress...

I suspect if more of us LBSs would focus on good GAL activities then we wouldn't even have to worry about detaching. I think detaching is one of those things where the more you think about it and dwell on it, the less detached you become because you're thinking about attachment when you're trying to detach. (I've gone cross-eyed.) Or something like that; you get what I mean.

So, my Rx for you is to stop worrying about detaching and start GALing. I've got a GAL in Kalamazo...

As usual, I could be way wrong so take it for what it's worth.

[bigybiz]

SH - Yes, I've been in and out of that thread. Lots of good info.

[J5K]

unas

[bigybiz]

Doodler:

You hit the nail on the head. The more I try and distance/detach myself - it seems I get more addicted/obsessed.

The typical Rx of distraction/GAL makes sense. I think my GAL is of epic proportions. My long time followers have seen my GAL - its almost overboard. One or two of us have wondered if it is just me trying to be busy. Not growing, healing, etc.

Bigybiz 2.0 projects, catching up with friends, making new friends, learning how to cook and bake, gardening, I bought a motorcycle, decluttering, my fitness is off the charts (I run 5 k a day, plus dumbell exercises), I straightened my hair, bought some new clothes, etc, etc.

I'm the primary care giver of the kids and I run the house on my own. I get up at 5:30ish and when I get into bed around 12m, I'm bushed.

I've not had the focus to put my energy into my business - but I'm hopping that is coming. So my business is putting along.

I just can't seem to shake her and my desire to "fix" my MR. I look for practical steps/ideas that can fuel my detachment. I pray to be cured of this addiction.

The two recent nuggets of information that have helped me change my paradigm a little are:

From Zues16 - How can I expect my W to quit her addiction to her passion/work/community/fame seeking, etc if I can't quit her

From my Pastor - MY GAL is fine - but if I'm doing things and hoping to get a reaction (i.e. doing what works). I should be careful that it could be perceived as trying to be controlling.

So the GAL, distraction is underway. I need to refine my LRT. I just need to shake her. A trusted adviser told me I should date a little. Just to see what female company is like in 2016. I'm not so sure about that.

Her not being her is a big help.

I'll keep on the GAL - I just need a little something more.

[SH_]

I'll keep on the GAL - I just need a little something more.

My thoughts on the little something more would be time, meditation, prayer and service to others.

Bigy, you are very active in so many areas which has been a great thing for you and your progress. You have sought out activities to stay busy, information to learn from and confirmation from those around you that you are fixing you and that she is not fixing her.

Time heals all wounds
Meditation is the exercise that strengthens our control over our mind
Prayer calls on a higher power to grant us the strength,peace and vision of the path we have been called to follow.
Service is a practice that provides us the ability to get outside of ourselves and can aid in the process of detachment because our focus is no longer on ourself and our desires.

These 4 things will move your mind and heart into the place that detachment can happen in. This will create a shift in your higher power.

Time and focused efforts are the little more that will aid you.

This is my 2c for what it is worth.

[bigybiz]

SH:

Thanks for your post - and thank you for saying what I've been feeling. I'm fixing me she is not fixing her!!!

I spend lots of time in prayer and meditation can be an extension of that. A++ suggestion. That is a natural evolution for me.

Everyday I ask God to heal me of my addiction/obsession.

Most of my faith believe that being "still" is an important way of seeing and being with God. I guess it is now time for me to learn to be still.

Service to others is something I do naturally. I used to do lots of volunteer work. I have elderly parents and a sister who is a widow - who always needs something. Perhaps it's time to step up that game.

I've been trying to be humble and talk less. I'm not sure what effect it is having. I know for me it makes me crave companionship even more. I'm hoping that be leaving "space" my children and maybe W will fill that space an perhaps find their voice.

[bigybiz]

So Sunday night she sends a text messaging saying she wants to come say goodnight to the boys. I ignored it until it was "too late" after S10 night time ritual. I replied and told her phone is better. I then was not about to sit around waiting for her to reply and/or call. So I called her. We passed the phone around. I thought that was a reasonable boundary/accommodation. Over the past couple of weeks she has not respected the routine I have S10 on. I'm guessing she thinks I'm trying to control her and or him.

She did tell me she would like to use the van on Monday so she can move to her new place. I said yes, I was not using it.

She showed up came in the front door - said hello to D20 and I and took the key. Then she "snuck" around the side and said hello to S15 & S10, in the back yard. Again, she has this idea I'm trying to keep her from the kids. If she had just said - I'm going to say Hi I would say fine.

She returned the van at 10pm, I was outside by chance. I moved my motorcycle so she could park easily. I volunteered to take the van key and said goodnight.

How did I do? Was I nice but still enforce boundaries? Did I prevent her from eating cake?

[J5K]

Bigy

There is no right or wrong. You did well.

BTW I just liked the 2nd post on MWDs FB page that talks about LRT. I need to figure out a way to do it without giving everything to STBX.