Don't know what to do

[Mozza]

This looks like such a harsh rollercoaster... I'm very sorry for you, stacey9. It can't be easy to handle emotionally, especially as it's taking you back to a place of suffering that you thought you had left.

Looking at things from the outside, and with the full arc of his recent behavior, it's hard not to wonder whether this could ever be the kind of man that you deserve. When he lost access to OW, he came to you, then he want back to her when he regained access. He's not a loyal or faithful man. He's looking out for himself with little regard for the emotions of others. That's how he's been, that's how he is — chances are that's how he'll be in a year, two or ten. If you were to R with a man like this, this is what you'd be facing. Is it even possible that he'd become a different person, attached, respectful, loving?

I understand what you say about the attraction. One of the reasons why I limit all contacts with STBX is that I don't want to feel it. I know this woman would stand in the way of my healing and life in general if I let her, even just into my head, my heart or my bed. It was very painful to do, it still is, but I had to remove her from my being. She was 10 years of my life — there will be 70 without her when all is said and done. I'm saying that because perhaps you should see every contact with him, even if he showed (temporary) signs of truly wanting to R, as a step back to a place where you can't go back.