Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Phoebe]

Thank you Painter, Jim, and SH. I wish hauling along my virtual friends would do the trick. Unfortunately, I need a warm body. A friend surrogate? Has anyone seen Her, the movie with Juaquin Phoenix? the surrogate idea reminded me of the movie.

So my hiking friend is on vacation for two weeks, my neighbor friend is having severe balance problems, and I don't know anyone at all in the whole state where the house is. I wasn't there long enough to meet anyone at all. That said, most of my stuff is there, as the house I am in now was just a temporary thing until we built a new one. Ha ha. Now this building that my H looks at with utter disdain and disgust and thinks he is too good for is my home. Jerk.

Feeling a bit of anger tonight about this whole mess. I finished reading my book on runaway husbands, and I am not too pleased with my own.

I had a tough evening. No surprise, really. I putted around the city after my T appointment, tried to do my post therapy hike but forgot any socks (ugh), then hung out in a parking lot to talk on the phone with my neighbor friend for an hour and a half. I got home in time to let my birdies out for an hour before dark. I walked my fields in the dark again, with that tightness in my throat telling me that sadness was threatening the whole time, but it as a good walk.

I don't carry a flashlight or my phone (I forgot it), but my night vision is pretty good. The fireflies were in the trees tonight, which was so beautiful to see. They were like little living Christmas lights. I saw two skunks, each within about 8 feet of me, which was cool, if slightly disconcerting. The first one popped out onto the path while I was sitting still watching the light show. I heard rustling in the grass, so I waited to see what would pop out. All I could see was what looked like an odd white shape floating above the ground.

The second skunk popped into the path while I was walking. Each time I just started talking to them and they just went on their way. Cute little things, and strangely laid back. Maybe I have good skunk karma? I rescued one last fall that had a Slurpee cup stuck on its head. Poor thing. I had to catch it, anesthetize it enough so I could cut the cup off, and then I kept him overnight for observation because he wasn't acting quite right after all that rebreathe get he'd been forced to do. The next day I set him free. They're adorable up close, with the most beautiful faces, and they're remarkably chill little critters. Their powers of stinkiness must make them very confident.

Anyway, it's been a day. The farm helps, and it was a two walk kind of day, but I ended up getting an earlier appointment with my therapist for tomorrow morning already. I hope I'm not developing a distinct wimpiness trait, needing to see my T two days in a row.

I understand that part of my seeing him is trying to fill the empathy deficit left by my parents. I also am going to have to talk about the whole fair weather parent thing. Did I develop maladaptive behaviors because of them that affected my MR?

Another hallmark of runaway husbands? Gaslighting. His nonsense explanations have left me thinking there is something wrong with me.

Now that it's 2:30 am it's well past nap time. goodnight and sweet (or no) dreams.