3 Months of misery

[Zues126]

I had a DB coach and she helped tremendously. She defined the stages of reconciliation as follows: 1) Let the dust settle, get some space, let the emotions die down, and get stable. 2) Form a new relationship of friendship, one that says you respect her autonomy, you understand you are no longer a married couple, but that you can be effective co-parents. 3) Romance. 4. Reconciliation. DB coach said it takes minimum 6 months for the dust to settle, and usually 1 year minimum as friends.

My DB coach said that it was ok to casually invite her to family things at first, if it could be casual and with no expectation, and if her not going wouldn't be an issue. And if it wasn't often (pursuing).

For me though that didn't last long. Once I found out she was in an open affair, one that she refused to end to someone she insisted was the love of her life and the man she always wanted to be with...well, I wasn't interested in playing friends.

Now, I only got drawn into one fight, I haven't punished, controlled, dragged the kids in the middle, made power plays with finances, NOTHING. In two years. I've been a good boy and played nice. But I have zero interest in a relationship while she is texting her boyfriends how much of an abusive jerk I am and how I'm the root of all of her problems. Not playing.

So the advice is different depending on the situation. If she is a WAS showing regret that she has to leave the marriage because of her personal boundaries that you've violated with your behavior, then I think it can be ok to be friendly, invite her here and there, demonstrate some 180s, etc. But if she is wayward, involved with another person, spewing venom, disrespectful, etc, then I think you need to create some distance and show that you won't be disrespected, that you're not attached to her, that you are prepared to move on and not be a doormat.

The other thing is that you have to be really detached to be able to go the friends route. If you're still attached emotionally I think it's pretty darn tough.

So, all said, based on what you've been through, where she's at, what she's done...I would recommend distance distance distance distance. I don't think she's likely to turn around suddenly, and trying to be her buddy is only going to shield her from the consequences of her choices.

As for the list, I doubt you'd ever show it to her. That is mostly for you, so you hold firm if she tries to manipulate you by throwing you crumbs of the relationship you really want. My recommendation would be not to bring a list like that out unless it was in the presence of a marriage counselor that you two went to, and the marriage counselor would have to come after she showed interest in doing whatever was necessary to repair the marriage. I don't know that's going to happen, certainly not soon...what I'd recommend is that if she EVER asks anything even close to whether you'd want R, or anything like it, I'd just stall for time and say something like "Those are important decisions for our family. I'm not interested in jumping back into anything, and I certainly wouldn't want to go back to the relationship we came from. I would be open to hearing what your thoughts are on whether you think it is possible to rebuild something out of this..." Then if she really wants to talk, I'd insist on enlisting a counselor to help you through the discussion...then I'd hit her with my requirements. Hopefully by holding to that boundary you won't get manipulated.

Bottom line, whatever you have to do to detach, protect yourself with boundaries, and start moving through your grieving process is what I recommend. It's a long shot she turns around, and those chances don't go up if you're attached/pursuing/hopeful. And if she doesn't turn around you're much closer to where you want to be in a year in terms of getting through this hell.