Divorced and so grateful

[kml]

If there's no family and friends in their wedding photos, immigration may not believe that it's a real marriage

[RosaLinda]

I have been pondering many things since posting all that yesterday -- mainly character flaws in myself. Basically that I am a codependent enabler-fixer extraordinaire. Wouldn't a normal woman have told them both to go f*ck themselves and to never darken her doorway again? The time for STFU has long since passed. There is something seriously wrong with me -- I cry when I am angry, am quick to assume that something bad was all my fault and that no one likes me, and never want to hurt someone's feelings no matter how much they have hurt mine.
Strange, serious character flaws; lots to think about I wonder how many LBSs share these shortcomings.

I have to ask questions because I'm curious as h@ck. What does the Russian tart look like? Did they act like lovey dovey people crushing on each other?

No Job, they do not appear at all lovey-dovey. RT is Korean-Russian, from Kazakhstan, she's about 5 feet tall and very slight. She is 62, same as my ex, and has the build of a young boy. One of those Asian women who are not pretty, but also never show their age. This was pretty surprising to me, as one of my ex's original major reasons given for no longer loving me at bomb drop was that I was too short, and she's a good 2" shorter than I am. Strange, but then again, my ex is very very strange....LOL

I've never seen them touch each other, or gaze fondly at each other, or even sit side by side on the couch. But touch was never ex's love language; I guess that never changes.

RT also told me that ex does NOT want to marry her, and that he wants to just live as friends, but he is marrying her so she can get a green card so she can stay in this country and get a job. I can't believe he told her that. How romantic.

I am now wondering if by "just living as friends" RT meant living in a sex-starved marriage like mine was for the past 20 years. And I wonder if she is sad or relieved....

One can sort of accept that one's husband has left her for a sexy blonde bombshell, but a skinny crabby 62 year old? It sort of boggles the mind!

[Ginger1]

I've got a lot to say on what you wrote, but we will talk more when I see you:)

We are very much alike. I don't think there is anything majorly wrong with you.

You know how I have been with OW. She has come in my home. I have given her a glass of wine. I am kind and pleasant to her. She is also my baby's stepmother (barf). But I think I am just too tired to do otherwise. I'm too tired to get angry.

But I do think your STFU days should be over. And if you are in a situation that does not make you feel ok, say something! I know you will even say it in a very non-offensive way. Uphold your boundaries, you are so worth it.

You saw what my ex left me for. She's the do a double take ugly type (God help me, that was mean). No blonde bombshell either. What he is chosen is in no way a reflection of you, it's a reflection of him. Your ex using the short thing at bomb drop was because he had no real reason to be leaving someone as wonderful as you. I'm not saying that just to make you feel better, I mean that.

[job]

RL,
I don't know you personally, but I don't think you should be so critical of yourself when it comes to character flaws. What I do think is that you are a very gracious woman who is trying to keep the waters calm for her family since this Russian Tart is most likely going to become the step mother to your grown children. Also, I think you have a lot of compassion for people and that includes your oatmeal eating h. You know that something is very wrong w/him and that's where your heart is soft. There's nothing wrong w/the way you dealt w/the situation...but I wouldn't become their "therapist" for them.

As for living as friends, that could mean a lot of things. It could mean a marriage of convenience for her to get a green card, help w/the finances and taking care of the home, as well as taking care of him. I don't know if the authorities still do this, but long ago, they would check up on marriages such as this one coming up to see if they were real marriages or just a way to get the person into the country to live. I do think that they will remain married for a while and once she's established and knows that she won't be kicked out of the country, she'll find herself a real sugar daddy and leave your xh in the wind.

As for being too short...that's just an excuse to leave you. It's like the guy that left h is w because she purchased bagged salad. They can't justify why they are leaving, so they come up w/stupid stuff...but you can be rest assured, they don't usually hook up w/nice looking people and I have found that if they come up w/a character flaw for us, that flaw tends to show up in the affair partner. So, toss his comments aside...the flaws are in him.

I won't be the least bit surprised if the next thing they come up w/is suggesting that they move in w/you. I hope they don't suggest this, but I've seen this happen many years ago.

Continue to live your life to the fullest and only work on those things that you think need to be worked on.

[SunnyB]

As for being too short...that's just an excuse to leave you. It's like the guy that left h is w because she purchased bagged salad. They can't justify why they are leaving, so they come up w/stupid stuff...

My H had to abandon his family because my closet was messy. V bought the wrong bacon. I've heard some really stupid stuff on these boards. We should start a collection and put it on instagram.

[Underdog]

((((RL))))

I can't think of anything different to say to you that Ginger and Job haven't said already.

I don't see a weak, co-dependent person here. We all have character flaws, but yours don't include being the kinder of people.

That being said, in my wildest dream, I couldn't picture you telling them to go f&ck themselves. Maybe at some point, you should do this with someone just so you know that you can do it. LOL. But this outsider looking in just sees someone who genuinely cares about the well being of the father of her boys. You care for your former MIL and extended family. By virtue of that fact, I personally think that you're long over him and the RT and the situation. You've got a steady, great guy. Is there any chance you just look at them like some cable reality show where you get to host the nuts?

I think you're the dearest, kindest person alive. I think your guy also knows how special you are. Your ex is clueless, and so is the RT. I think you nailed everything with them. She sees him as the solution to her immediate problem. Nothing more, nothing less.

If it makes you feel any kindred feelings, my XH took up with a woman 16 years younger than him (she's still in her 30s for crying out loud!), but who looks older than I do. My D22 says she thinks she's wearing a hard life. Probably so. Yesterday, he actually invited me to join him, D19 and his GF to drive to Montana for his dad's celebration of life. I was initially shocked, but I guess that's his way of telling me it's time he made the formal introduction. On a road trip. Presumably with me sitting in the back seat of his truck. I don't think so. I thanked him, but... my D22 said, WTF?

Anyway, I truly think many of us here were married to people who put their own selfish interests above us and their family. I mean read the stories here. Not one of us was married to someone who wanted us above all others. Does that make us unlovable or unworthy? Look around again. I've met many of you offline, and I see wonderful people with big hearts and generosity and compassion I that can't be equaled off this board.

In a nutshell? We've poured out our hearts to someone and a situation that didn't really care how hurt we were. Looking at that forest through a different set of spectacles, what would you say to you now?

One last guess for me is that you treat everyone with the respect you want from them - regardless how they treat you. In my eyes, that makes you the RL you are. It also makes you look gracious. You're like a modern day Jackie Kennedy. I mean that to be the highest compliment I could pay you. That woman had class in spades, and she always found a way to be true to herself without making others look crappy. I think it's awesome, and it's why I admire and like you so much.

Whatever issues were present in your marriage and divorce, dearest RL, they weren't about you.

Love and hugs,
Betsey

[job]

LR,

Have you heard anything from URWorthy or Nero? They haven't posted in a very long time and I'm concerned about both of them. I did receive a short note from URWorthy a while back...but haven't heard anything in quite a while.

[RosaLinda]

Ha, thanks to all of you for thinking I am a nice person and not a spineless wuss for not telling my ex to never darken my doorway again, or worse! I work with a bunch of divorced women who really would tell their exes to fvck off, and sometimes I wish I could be a strong personality like them. But on the other hand, they are all bitter and resentful and negative, and who wants to be like that? Not me.... Thank God for you all and DBing.

So here's the love birds' latest - they set a wedding date and my ex already postponed it. And I was talking to his poor elderly mom and she asked if I have any advice about how to deal with having them live in her house; she said it's so hard. I told her she could always ask them to leave. But she said how could she, he's her son. Enablers all around, including myself, LOL

Job, I have not spoken to Nero in ages, at least six months, and am worried about her too. I'm pretty sure that the last time I spoke to her, she said that she and her H were going to Europe together, or somewhere else awesome. She was talking about the problems she was having with her sisters regarding selling her mom's house, and that she was getting tired of standing, but did not really know what to do with her life. I've left her a couple of messages on her answering machine since then, but she never called me back.

URWorthy is okay, she's been going thru some personal stuff and is taking a break from the forum for a bit. I'll tell her you were asking for her - I'm sure she'll be very touched!

And how are you doing Job? What's new with you?

[uRworthy]

Hey, my friend. You know how I feel about your ex and her...the cuckoo is still flying around the clock.

As for your character flaws..You are one of the sweetest, kindest people I have ever met. You care so deeply for those in your life. There isnt anything at all wrong with you.

Would I have liked for you to say something to him when this all went down? Ayep. I think now, though, you are so far removed from it all that you really cant be bothered saying something. Although if it bothers you to have them around, then you should do something about it. Otherwise, continue to look at it all with the shaking of your head it deserves and move along. They just arent worth the bother.

So very happy that you are so content and feel so loved...that is what you deserve.

[uRworthy]

Hi Job. Thanks so much for asking about me. I am dealing with some stuff but I am hanging in there. Means a great deal that you reached out.