Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Phoebe]

Well, the roller coaster ride turned downward yesterday. I was still Ok, but I felt the change of direction a little bit. This morning I felt it more and then I talked to my out of state lawyer.

She advised me that I need to come check on the other house (as it may be abandoned) and she urged me to accept service of my divorce action in the other state. The paperwork is one thing, but I dread going back to that house. I don't think I want to go there by myself again.

So, I had to have my stupid crying meltdown afterward. I went out to walk my fields a little bit to regain some composure and then I went to see my therapist. It was good, but I felt really raw and the tears were right there waiting for me again. I'm so tired of crying. My T is going away for two weeks, so I am on my own on that front for a while, too. He has emergency coverage, but the chance of me going to talk to someone else for a one-off appointment is zero. I just can't see it. I did set up an extra appointment for the end of this week, though, and now I have even more to talk about:

So I decided that, given the L's advice, I really did need to go check on the house. My mom said she'd go when I asked her a few days ago, but today she said she would only go if we could drive there and back the same day! It's 5 hours each way, and I wanted to get my stuff while I was there and avoid going back another time. How could that possibly work?? My dad won't go, and even if he agreed it would be grudging and he'd be impatient the whole time.

So... I love my parents, and they have been really good to me, but their empathy level is pretty low. I really need some sympathy and understanding sometimes and they aren't able to give it. Of course, these are the same people that have given me one hug between the two of them in the 6 months since my life went up in smoke. My mom is also the same woman who took an hour to get here when I called and asked her to come be with me the day I found a note from the process served on my door. I was literally in crisis and she only lives a couple miles away and she took an HOUR?. I know they're like this. It's just so hard not to feel disappointed over and over again. They just are never going to be the kind of people that wrap me in a hug and want to protect me. There is always something more important than me on their agenda.

Anyway, I get that. They are who they are.

So, there is no one who can go with me for moral support. My new L friend said he might be able to go in a couple weeks. Today I feel like I have no one in my corner, and I even have fair weather parents. The only person who lived nearby that would ever have dropped everything to come help me passed away 2 years ago.

So I decided not to follow the L's advice to check the house because I simply can't stand the idea of going alone again. Last time it took me 9 hours to make the drive back because I was so messed up that I had to keep pulling over to cry, talk to my Mom, try to straighten up, cry again…

Just a crappy sort of day. I know the roller coaster ride will start to climb again. Just feeling sad and out of sorts.