. I can play a part and know emtions are fleeting and no good will come of showing any weakness.
Yes, this is what I have been keeping in mind as well. I still have a hard time not being totally honest all of the time. The good thing is that I honestly am over him. I don't worry about his opinion about me at all, because I know what he is now. But I still get effected by what other people see. I want everyone to know the truth. To see my side. To see him for what he is. In his spew he was throwing everything out there and it wasn't working, so he went for the public opinion insults. At the time it didn't get to me either, but after a day of having it sit it started to. I am glad my psyche is learning to buffer those feelings so I don't react in this presence, but the aftermath still hurts. Now I know it is all just waves, though. If I can just take a deep breath and let it pass over me, it will go away pretty quickly--and then it is up to me to not go looking for it again once its gone.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I don't really worry what husband's family and friends think...
I know who I am.
I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage, but honestly no more then any one else including husbands in laws and friends. But my mistakes were domestic laziness and disorganization and nagging (he refers to it as verbal and emotional abuse)
I know that I am one of the most loyal and committed of partners out there. And to me that has more value then anything husband can complain about me to his friends and family.
But my mistakes were domestic laziness and disorganization and nagging (he refers to it as verbal and emotional abuse)
I know that I am one of the most loyal and committed of partners out there. And to me that has more value then anything husband can complain about me to his friends and family.
Wow I could have written this, although the strange thing is that he started the discard phase after I got more organized and had a better system in place to stay on top of my domestic responsibilities.
I always told myself I would never clean up after anyone. H was always leaving his stuff everywhere, but I just let it pile up because I didn't want to nag, and I didn't want to be bitter about picking up his mess. So I just let it go. But it hard to clean around someone else's mess--so not much cleaning happened at all--until one of us would get fed up and take matters into our own hands. He is the top to do a quick surface clean and declutter. My favorite method was to do a deep clean starting with the closets, moving all of the furniture, and it would take days to complete. Needless to say this didn't happen often so we lived in clutter.
It got to me so I started to make it a hobby to clean rather than a chore and I really enjoyed it. It was easier to not feel like the maid when I made it a game. Like most hobbies I tend to get a little obsessive in the beginning, then it kind of settles down. The obsessive stage annoyed him to no end so he would start with the little digs about my cleaning. I would slow down a bit, try to keep my cleaning out of his way, but his annoyance still will peek through every once in a while and my spirit would be broken. The fun would start to wear off and I would start to feel unappreciated so I'd give up again just to keep the peace. Then after the mess got to be too much to handle I'd start right back up and the cycle would start again.
He loves to say how I am so flightly--never sticking to anything. Well, I've lived on my own for almost a year now and the dirtiest my new home has gotten is still cleaner than the old home ever was. I can have people over at any given time. Everything has a place and when it is time to do a deep clean it is an easy task because there are no piles of crap to sort through. I am enjoying it--and it a normal, fit it into my life kind of way. It isn't obsessive. It isn't even a game. It's just like brushing my teeth and taking a shower. I don't even have to think about it. And no one is putting me down for doing it. In fact the kids are on board and really appreciate it--although I do sometimes nag and they tease me for it. They like it here. I even caught them vacuuming once without being told. They like helping me with the dishes after dinner. They like planning meals and cooking with me. All of these things that we used to only be able to do when he wasn't around to put a damper on it. The day to day work of living is a pleasure without him around.
I think that is part of what is driving me crazy right now. He is love bombing them. Do they remember what it used to be like? It seems like they are really buying into his new persona, and if it is legit that is a good thing, but I am afraid it isn't. But there is nothing I can do about that.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Hi MS, If you're unconfortable using your real account, you could always create one just for the db page. And you could be a friend of yourself.
I'm considering it.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
In fact things are more in my face then ever. I've held my head high and haven't let things shake me, until today. Not a good day. I was running late, my phone was dead and wasn't charging. I let my voice quiver a bit. My hands were shaking just a little. It was a minor slip in front of who I used to think was a mutual friend but has more ties to H and OW. It was a slip that I felt was not too terrible until I realized OW was sitting silently in the back of the room. She didn't see the shaking, but she heard the quiver. She saw me frazzled. Am I proving their smear campaign? My weakness? That I am not on top of the world all of the time.
This is going to be a long and awful summer. I will have to face her a few times every week. H is the spineless one, knows it has to happen and keeps a safe distance. Maybe what I need to do is forgive her. See her as just another victim, just one who doesn't know she is one yet. Get her out of the adversarial role so I don't feel like I have to prove anything? She is the talking head behind the smear campaign, but he is the one doing this.
I hate this position I am in. I either have to disappear from an important part of my kids lives, or stay entrenched in the hell they created for me. There has to be a third option. Going gray rock--I am trying but sometimes I'm human. The one thing I can say is I think she is also feeling the strain of it. Her behavior towards me has not been behavior someone who is confident and certain would display. She feels threatened as well. He is the enemy, she is the tool used for triangulation. To me it makes her just as bad, but the reality is she is just caught up in the smoke and mirrors. I know how easy it is to do that with him. Although, I never took arms with him against anyone. I always gave people the benefit of the doubt and that always annoyed him--made me naive, clueless, delusional. Honestly, being that way only hurt me in one instance, and he was the one I misread--not the others.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Sorry to read that Mustardseed. It must be so hard to have to interact with OW on such a regular basis. I am thankful that XH and I don't have kids together and I don't have to do that.
Your story made me think of something my Mum (who now has dementia) once said to me. I work in HR and there had been a difficult meeting with someone who worked on our reception. She was being oncooperative with my visitors, it was all a little tricky and I felt scared and anxious about going in there. My Mum said to go in there head held high and to not give a moments thought to this woman who thought she had any power to disrupt my day in any way! My Mum was so passionate about this and it did give me courage and help me feel better about the situation.
If you can, do try and reclaim your own personal power - who is she to disrupt your day. Don't give any of your power to her. She is nothing to you and has nothing on you.
This may or may not help, but how you say you felt resonated with me and that did help me at the time. Also, do try to anticipate a good summer, where you will interact with OW and feel calm, centred and at peace while you do this. Creative visualisation may help in this area perhaps...
Take care and I do hope things improve for you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
MS, I totally agree with Sotto. Don't give that power to OW and your H.
Do what makes you comfortable but don't let them dictate your
In seems like in both our cases, the OWs are like the dementors in Harry Potter - souless dark creatures that thrive on fear and need. Banish yours away with confidence and brightness and love.
(((MS)))
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thank you Sotto and JKSD. Definitely dementors, I need to make sure I have chocolate with me every time I know there will be an interaction--at least until I can summon my own patronus.
Today is the one year anniversary of my Rock Bottom. I celebrated by going over a settlement draft with my L. L was equally impressed at the significance of this day. Even though things aren't easier, they are so much better. I have a birds eye view of the situation now rather than being lost in his crazy forest.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I still seek validation. Am I doing this right? Did I make a mistake? Constantly questioning my every move. I am learning to trust myself more. I feel stronger in my convictions. I am feeling more confident that my opinions matter. I am regaining a sense of self that I lost when I took on the role of H's wife.
It feels good, but I am still testing these wings. I got feedback on our last encounter that happened in front of a neutral party--a professional. I did good. Better than good--apparently. If this happened without witness I would would be questioning if H was right. Was what I said controlling? Insulting? Overstepping boundaries? I'd be providing H's dialogue in my mind--that voice that still creeps in sometimes leaving me confused. That voice that sends me retreating. But instead I got validation--praise even. I was assertive! I think that is the first time I ever heard that said about me. Neutral party was impressed at how strong and confident I handled myself, and how I never stooped down to H's level--I never insulted. Although, I know he thinks I did. His voice in my head is telling me I did by not being completely supportive of everything he is and does. I am so grateful to have had that conversation in that setting. It shows I have come along way. It helps me put the past 15 years of conversations with H into perspective.
I continue my work. I continue to move forward. Reading a new book on surviving Narc Abuse. It is eye opening. I can't go dark. And even gray rock is not working in my best interest because I want the kids and those around us (all connected to H and OW) to see me thriving--to see my strength. There is an alternative, apparently. Observe, Don't Absorb. I am a scientist taking data on every interaction. I am on the outside looking in. Not provoking, just observing. I'm taking myself out of the experiment. I can be detached. Today there will be two separate encounters with H and OW. I will put on my lab coat and take notes.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
