WHs do come back--Piecing--

[Phoebe]

Blu, I finally am having a chance to get caught up a bit and I just have to tell you how sorry I am that you aren't feeling happier in you M these days. Your H hurt you terribly and your instinct is to prevent him from ever having that kind of power over you again. You want to feel some measure of safety from that risk.

On the other hand, I think that Sotto, Coconut, and others are on to something. Distancing is easier right now, and that is absolutely understandable, but it's not an approach that will nurture your relationship, and I can't imagine that either you or your H would prefer to remain where you are right now for the long haul. It would be a very sad state to be stuck in.

I guess what I'm suggesting is that you do what you need to for a little while longer if it helps you, but put a limit on this distancing phase, lest it become the new normal. If you can't see yourself ever being able to be fully open with him and vulnerable to him again, then perhaps saving your M may not be in your own best interest. Are you willing to settle for your R in its current form, were it to remain as it is today? Would your H be willing? If the answer is no, then you know what you will need to do - work through things or let it go.

I would also suggest that you talk frankly to your H about what you are feeling right now. If you don't feel emotionally safe, tell him that. If you feel lingering anger, tell him that, too. The reality is that right now it is his job to help you through this. He is the one that created the distrust and reluctance you are feeling. You can't learn to trust or feel safe with him until he is willing to show you that he is safe and trustworthy. I think that the lack of safety you feel with him is making distance and further detachment look like the more attractive option. He's not a mind reader, so you are going to have to tell him what you need.

Obviously I am far from the ideal person to be chiming in here. Know that if I have overstepped it was done out of care and concern. Only you can make decisions in how to proceed.

Wishing you well.

(((((((Blu)))))))