Well, here's another one of my patented "everything's going right so what can I worry about" posts. (Just kidding - Hear that Dazed?)
H was in a good mood last night and we had karate class. Fooled around a bit. I couldn't remember a technique where he was holding my wrists and I had to escape, so I twirled around under him like we were dancing. He laughed at me and said "no, you can't win in a fight by being cute." He wound up giving me several hugs during class (even stopping his class with other students to give me one hug) and after class, he gave me a "kenpo hug" where he took me down and laid on top of me for a minute laughing.
It was fun. I went to bed early because I am interviewing today at the place where he works. Oh, I so hope I get in, it would be nice to have lunches with H again. He stayed up past midnight, and (again) had a hard time getting out of bed this morning.
I messed up, did some old behavior again. H asked if I could make his breakfast sandwiches to go to work from now on so he can eat breakfast at work during his first break. I said sure, although I really wanted him to eat with me. I like our time together in the morning. He asked me to make a shake for him, and I did. Then, I commented "Guess I will just make your breakfast at night now and sleep in. No reason to wake up so early." Why did I do that? When will I learn to ask for what I want and express my wishes?
Anyway, H stood in the doorway and looked at me and said "why do I suddenly feel guilty?" I immediately realized my mistake. But, do I own up to it? Of course not. I said, "I don't know, you shouldn't." He says "I feel like you like to have breakfast with me in the morning and I just took that away from you. I like having breakfast with you also. It's just that I am hungry by break." To which I say "No problem. I'll make it work."
When I should have just said to his first question - can you make my breakfast to go - why? - because I am hungry at work - how about we eat breakfast here because I like to do that and I will pack you more food. DUH!
It's OK, I learned and hopefully will not go down that tunnel again.
He gave me several hugs before leaving, lots of smiles at me, and lots of "good luck with the job interview."
He emailed me from work. "Again, good luck. You really don't need luck, though. Your skills and personality should be more than sufficient. "
I responded "Michael, that's so very sweet of you to say. Thank you. You've made my day and given me confidence."
And he replied "GO GO confident Elaines!!! "
Later, he asked me if I want to go out bike riding with him after work if he gets out in time. YAY!
He also emailed me asking if I want to go see a comedian we like next weekend.
So, why is it that we are so close, yet he doesn't feel like he loves me? Anyone? Is it still the wall he has up? Is he having feelings he just isn't recognizing? Maybe it's time for another phone consult with Laurie. I think I need answers. I feel like we are getting along great, but is it WORKING? I don't know. It isn't **not** working, so it must be working? Is what I am doing drawing him closer? I don't think so, but maybe I am wrong. We are already very close together.
I don't want his friendship, I want his love. I've heard this so many times on this board and always have something to say to others like "friendship is the first step." Why do I feel like it's bs in my sitch and I'm just making it easier on him to leave one day because he feels confident he will still have my friendship?
I'm so crazy. I know I am, but I can't stop myself.
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