Just a Vanilla Change 30

[mustardseed]

Thank you Jim and Ju
A little late to this, but I want to chime in, because I feel like your inner voice is my inner voice

My guilt

- not spotting this nature in WHIf you did spot it, it would mean you were a distrusting person. It is his nature, not yours. And until you experience someone of this nature, when you are a loving trusting person you don't believe it exists. He didn't want you to spot it. You didn't know to look for it. Not your fault.
- introducing this man to my family and friendsHe was important to you. Of course you would introduce him to other important people. He was good at his game, and you had no reason to believe it was a game. Not your fault.
- having few boundariesThis is a learning experience. It isn't intuitive for many of us, especially those of us who always put others first. You had few boundaries then so that now you know which boundaries to have. We aren't meant to be perfect. We are meant to learn from our experiences. Life is trial and error. We do it wrong a lot of the times, we do it right a lot of the times, we do what we have to do when it is both the wrong and right thing a lot of the times. Life isn't black and white. There are consequences to all of our choices right and wrong. Perhaps a blurred boundary also kept you safe in many ways some of the time. You did what you felt you needed to do. Now you are learning better ways.
- being slow to bounce backIf you bounced back quickly I would worry that you would easily slip into a similar relationship again. Growth and healing take time to be permanent
- screaming banshee reactionThis is one that consumes me too. I know H had recordings and has used those sound bites in a MS smear campaign with certain family members and coworkers. Makes me think that he might be right about me sometimes. But then I remind myself that, that was then, this is now. I had some moments in the past that I am ashamed of. They are part of me. They could have been avoided. But it happened. I am not proud of that part of me. I understand how it was triggered. I know that my own SB can re-emerge if I am careless. But now I know when she is coming. I can pull her back. It doesn't feel as good to pull her back as it did to let her out, but it is better in the long run. Leave SB in the past. Feed her when you feel her stirred. Keep her safe so she won't feel the need to escape. Tend to her needs before she is scared. She is part of you, but she doesn't have to be destructive when properly tended to. ANGER, it is a valuable emotion when properly tended to.
- the on going depression and complex PTSDAgain, not your fault. You have been through hell and the aftermaths are overwhelming at times. Let it wash over you, don't fight it. Feel it, face it. this is one of my waves that I deal with. The kind of waves that will take me down if I try to ride it or fight it. All you can do sometimes is just go under and let it pass over you. Recognize it for what it is and don't try to take action in those moments. It will pass.
- my dire fins putting my business at risk<<<V>>> Hugs. Lots of hugs. It is overwhelming, but I have absolute confidence that this is a wave your can overcome. You might not be able to ride it yet, but you certainly can stay at the surface. When you are surfing there are a lot of good rideable waves that you can't catch because you haven't swum out far enough. You are still swimming out past the break right now. It is exhausting, but you know it is worth it. Just keep swimming. (Just saw Finding Dory--couldn't help it)
- lack of general motivation Understandable. You are tired. Do a little when you can't do a lot. When you feel helpless pick the one simplest task. I think it was a goal setting podcast that mysister referred me to a few years back that said, rather than setting a goal to run 3 miles every day, you should set your goal to put on your running shoes every day. Then once your running shoes are on you already had success. You can then decide to set the next goal of running to the corner which is suddenly much easier to do because your running shoes are already on. And once you run to the corner, it becomes easier to go to the end of the street, etc. Even if you stopped at putting on your running shoes you are successful, but each next step becomes easier because the previous one was already accomplished. You were amazingly motivating for me last year when I was failing miserably at everything. You helped me see that through that failure I found my strength. That resonated with me. Even when H was trying to tear me down by bringing that failure up last week, it didn't sting because I know what that failure means to me now. It means that I plowed through and saw it to the end when all I wanted to do was roll over and quit. That failure has become one of my biggest successes. The same is true for you V. You have so much strength, love, compassion, insight. You will do what you need to do because that is who you are. Just because you feel unmotivated doesn't mean anything. It is a feeling, and you are free to feel it while you move forward.
- still having about 20 lbs of excess weightThe numbers always cause more trouble than they need to. Don't focus on that. Eat good food. Move to feel good. The rest will fall into place when you are ready.
- the fact that extreme self care has lapsedSometimes we take a break. A lapse is not a failure. It is a time out.

Will that do? Ju

Big mess of guilt to wallow in.

I think most of it is just being unwell at present.

V