3 Months of misery

[Zues126]

Coffee, I just wrote this on another thread. I think it is a good thing to consider.

One thing I'm a big believer in is writing out what you'd need to see happen before you'd be willing to reconnect emotionally (or physically!) with WAS.

For example, for me I won't ever reconnect with WAS unless at a minimum:
-She tells me she made a terrible mistake
-She ends all contact with OM and all other men
-She tells me she would do anything possible to see if the M can be saved
-She is willing to go to IC, and agree to a complete transparency plan
-She demonstrates to me that this isn't a feeling she's having because things are tough or that she's lonely, but that this is based on beliefs and the realization that steering her life by feelings has been destructive to the family

IF all of those things happened, I would be at least willing to have a conversation with her.

You need to STFU. There is nothing you can do more destructive than having relationship talks. Talking about her affair is absolutely pointless.

Remember, WAW doesn't care about your words, she is watching your actions.

Maybe I can translate for you. When you say "Your affair is selfish"...she sees "Wow, looks like coffee is still attached to me and unable to let go of the marriage, I can continue doing what I'm doing, he's not strong enough to leave me".

See? Because if you were truly done you wouldn't be standing there trading words with a liar.

If I were you I'd go to text/email only, limit exchanges to a sentence or two as needed and as pertinent to the kids, avoid R talks or emotional exchanges, and keep taking action to create more distance. I'd also flesh out exactly the conditions upon which I'd be willing to do more than that as I've said above. And yes, this means if she doesn't stop the affair your M is done and you go the rest of your life without another emotional exchange.

Because it is pointless. I understand the desire for her to see your point of view. How much is lost, how much you hurt, how much you care, what a great guy you are, etc, etc. But she won't. You can get validation from us, but stop looking for it from her.

It's bad enough she can destroy your family. She doesn't deserve to string you along by luring you into emotionally charged conversations.

OK, that is all for this rant. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at her, but I don't want to let you stand by and roll around in the mud with her either.